Journal

TW: eating disorders, suicidal ideation, self harm

Please scroll to the bottom to start.

August 30, 2017

Every meal feels like a battle.

This week I am thrown off.

I am exercising more and more active.  So I need to eat more.  I need to dismiss the body dysmorphia that plagues my thoughts.  It is NOT true.  I need to nourish myself and not worry about overeating.

I look at everyone else and notice how they eat so thoughtlessly.  They eat treat foods all the time and don’t worry about it.  None of them are overweight.

Today my mind was so angry with me.  Mandeep asked me about being a TA.  So did Tony.  Tony is being a TA, doing a 2qq and 3qq and a practicum.  My mind was screaming at me.

• he’s doing a lot, you should be able to handle it too.

• you shouldn’t have turned the position down,

• you’re a loser 

• jealousy and competition

August 11, 2017

Dear Lauren,

You are so hard on yourself.  So many people have told you this countless times.  However with anxiety, low mood, and low self esteem interacting with your harsh core beliefs, it was unimaginable for you to live life any other way.  it’s not your fault that this is the way you’ve felt about yourself for most of your life.

However, this past summer healing began.  You have learned so much and fought to change your mindset.  India helped you see yourself in a new light.

When you perceive yourself in a mirror, your perception is inaccurate.  It is not reality.  You need to trust the judgments of others.

You do not need to control or body weight or shape.  The thin ideal is a dumb societal goal set by media.  Images have poisoned and infiltrated your mind.  It is not a valid or healthy goal.  Being super thin means nothing, unless that’s the way your body naturally is.

You need to trust what other people consider to be normative, so you can stop beating yourself up for everything you do.

When you look down at your thighs, you do not accurately perceive their size.

You need to be less controlling over what you eat and don’t eat.  Being perfectionistic around food does no good.  No food is evil or will kill you.  Focus on true balance, and reject what the “super he

August 8, 2017

Today I went to Toronto with Shannon.  It’s amazing how I’m able to eat forbidden foods now.  Part of me knew we’d be doing a lot of walking so I’d be okay.

Another part of me looked at myself in the mirror and criticized my hair.  I look gross and ugly and sick and you and underweight.  It really hurt.  I continue to beat myself up for the whole thing.  However it makes me more determined to gain weight and look healthier.

The other day I showed my dad an old video I made when I was in grade 12.  He said “you look good”.

I was sad for a few reasons.  Partially because I thought I looked overweight at that time.  Sad because I look gross now, and I sort of felt like he was implying that.  Sad that I fell into the traps of an eating disorder.

I am terrified of writing papers for courses.  I’m terrified of not doing well.

August 6, 2017

Yesterday I went to visit my trip leader in Toronto and it was really nice to see her.  I ordered what looked like a really good muffin, but it was really really sweet.  I felt guilty and bad about ordering it.  I felt the need to restrict to compensate for it.

I checked my weight today, and it was nice to see that I’ve increased since coming home from India.  I also feel like I’m tolerating the changes in my body better.  I still need to gain more weight.  It’s interesting how the last few days my mind has been screaming at me that I am overweight and bad.  It’s not true!  I need to ignore it and stick to gaining a healthy amount of weight so I can be myself.

August 1, 2017

Chat with the dietitan August 1

I just had an amazing chat with the dietitian.  She is so knowledgeable and trustworthy it is awesome.

I don’t want to forget many important points she told me.

• Her and the other dietitian create our meal plans with our energy needs in mind.  She takes into account the conservative estimate that no more than 10% of your calories should be from added sugar.  For a 2000 calorie diet, that’s 200 calories.

• In the 80s, fat was the big bad wolf.  Everything was low fat.  Now carbs and sugar are being attacked.  It’s because the diet industry can easily target carbs.  If you switch to a low carb diet, you lose weight quickly because you lose water weight.  Every carb has 3 water molecules attached to it.  If you begin eating carbs, you gain the weight back.  That’s why they make carbs evil.

• The truth is we need carbs, especially grains.  It’s nearly impossible to eat enough fibre to make your gut microbiome happy eating fruits and vegetables alone.  Your microbiome is tied to your mental health.  You need grains to make your gut bacteria happy, to boost your overall mood and well being.

• Being overweight is simply a matter of eating too many calories overall, it doesn’t matter whether it’s from carbs, fats or protein.  It’s consuming beyond your energy needs.

• Do not completely cut out added sugar, and do not fear grains and carbs!

July 30, 2017

Yesterday was interesting because when getting ready for the party, I looked in the mirror and could only think about how ugly I was.  As soon as I drank some alcohol, I could see myself as pretty.

My mind is constantly fighting me telling me I’m bad and fat.  After eating chips and drinking at my party, I berate myself for drinking too much and eating too much.  I freak out over the loss of control.  I have to remind myself it’s okay.

I looked in the mirror the other day and thought I looked too skinny.  My mind bounces back and forth between being too skinny and too fat.  I have to resist the urge to restrict and force myself to eat.

When I get hungry, I get anxious and eat vegetables. When I’m not hungry but know I need to eat, I have no idea what to eat.

July 19, 2017

This morning I felt a bit weird after dropping my mom off at work.  My face felt a bit tingly, and I felt a bit too uppity.  Luckily this feeling subsided.

I went to the mall with Sophia and bought a few things because it was her birthday.  I’m glad I’m able to spend time with her now that she is home.  I’m also glad I’m able to drive her when I know it’s tough for her to get around. without a car.  She has driven me so many times!

It was hard trying clothes on, and not being able to shop because I’m going to gain weight.  It was hard enjoying some aspects of my thinner appearance, but noticing my hair is thin and my boobs are thin.

Eating half of the peanut butter cookie was hard when I looked at the calories and fat in if afterwards.  I immediately feel guilty.

I had an awesome chat with Dr. Flor about control, and how my period may not be coming because of psychological stress.  I still know I need to focus on good nutrition and gain some weight.

We also discussed how low self esteem makes me struggle with making decisions because I don’t have faith in myself or what I like.

So far I love the self esteem book!

July 18, 2017

I woke up early this morning because I was restless. I was restless because I was hungry.

It was nice to actually feel hungry.  As soon as I ate two pieces of toast with peanut butter and banana I felt bad and guilty.  Too much food.  Too many carbohydrates.

I thought I gained a lot of weight when I went to the girls cottage weekend, but I didn’t.  Even though I was drinking and eating forbidden foods.

Today I got a new passport!

I am scared that when I go back to school perfectionism and anxiety will make me miserable again.

I was actually hungry for dinner which was nice.

I am scared to do my research course.  I am not good at writing, and I have to write a big report.  I can’t do this, I’m not smart enough for this is on repeat in my brain. 

July 17, 2017

This morning I decided to take the abilify and cymbalta.  My mood was super low in the car and I felt bad because my mom was trying to talk to me but I felt really low and didn’t feel like talking.

It’s almost as if cymbalta has messed up my brain.  Increasing to 60mg made me feel too numb and out of it, and I haven’t had an appetite at all.  but now that I’m not taking the 60mg I’m wondering if it is having an effect on my brain.

This morning I could only feel my thighs and stomach, and my brain repeating that I had gained weight over the weekend and I’m larger and feel uncomfortable.

I’m in the lab and ate more because I did not eat my full food servings at breakfast.  Food is the only way to weight restore.  It’s tough without an objective appetite.

I haven’t felt this low in a long time.  Are the drugs messing up my brain?  Depression is tough.  Psychiatric meds are tough.

Later on in the morning I felt happy and fine.  Early in the afternoon I felt tired, like I needed more coffee, even though I had 2 coffees today.  I also felt a bit restless.

Eating 2 pieces of bread in a sandwich is tough when I’m not hungry.

I don’t want to eat anything I just want to cry. 

July 16, 2017

I had a good weekend at the cottage with Carrie, her friends, and Kiera.

Coming home, I notice my butt and thighs are definitely larger.  It’s uncomfortable, but I’m surviving.

My hunger signals are still not apparent.  The only way I know I’m hungry is because my mood goes really low or I start to feel cold and unwell.

Jesse really inspired me because she struggled with orthorexia and got to a really bad place.  She’s still on Cipralex, and she says it helps her to be less obsessed with food.  She was very open about eating everything this weekend and that was awesome to see.  It was really inspiring.

I’d like to take a moment to recognize the achievements I made this weekend.  How far I’ve come in recovery and how I was able to do things I never would have done before:

• just going!

• drinking normal alcoholic drinks

• eating chips without freaking out too much

• eating spaghetti and garlic bread and caesar salad

• eating frozen yogurt (this was especially tough because Jackie didn’t get it and I completely overthought it)

• being overall less anxious around different foods

• wearing a bathing suit and shorts without freaking out

• drank alcohol

• ate smores

I wanted to exercise to burn it off but resisted.

Last summer it was very tough wearing a bathing suit.

When I got home tonight my mood dipped super low, and it was because I was hungry but didn’t know it.  After eating some dinner I feel better.

I’m struggling with recovery and medications.  I’m struggling because I don’t have an appetite.  I’m struggling because I compared myself to all the girls there and there were so many body types.

It was reassuring to see so many different body types all being open about their bodies.  Many fit girls had cellulite and rolls.  They are natural and necessary.

I also struggled with drinking.  it seemed so pointless.  I feel like all it does is lower my mood.  But it’s such a normal social thing!

I’m not sure about Harry because I haven’t felt like myself.  I don’t know what to do.  My crush/sex drive is absent.  I constantly feel bad about it.

I loved being at the cottage.  It’s my happy place.

July 13, 2017

I felt really weird this afternoon.  I still haven’t had an appetite, and I felt numb and off this afternoon.  It’s hard to eat when I don’t have an appetite, but my therapist reassured me it will return.

I’m wondering if the Cymbalta dose is too much.  It could be causing the appetite problems.  I wouldn’t say I feel happier today, just numb.  Do I continue the Cymbalta and try to climb through the side effects?

Medication is so confusing.  I wish I wasn’t on it at all sometimes.  Part of me just wants to go back to 30mg. and deal with the resulting thoughts.  I read about Abilify and some people talk about weight gain, others talk about how it made them more restless, I don’t know.

I’ve eaten a lot of treat and exceptional foods and have not gained weight.  Looks like my cognitions are wrong, like usual.

What if I don’t gain weight and can’t go back to school?

I never meant to get to this point.  I wanted to exercise and eat well.

My heart rate is very slow and that scares me.  I feel too numb, I also didn’t really feel happy today.

July 12, 2017

It’s time to be as open and honest as possible.

It has been a month since I returned from India.  When I first came home my parents were scared because I appeared as though I had lost weight.  I knew I wasn’t particularly healthy before I went away, and I knew it was tough going there.  I looked at pictures with intense anger and resentment.

I desperately wanted a plan to get me back on track.  A food plan that I could follow and trust in.

However, digestive complications and a lack of appetite mean that I have not gained much weight at all.  I have not made progress.

Sure, there must be a part of me that likes being smaller.

HOWEVER I cannot ignore the side effects that are making life confusing and sad.

I am not getting my period and my hormones are absent.  Normally I’m relatively boy crazy.  I’m in a relationship and at times I feel something, but at other times I feel nothing.  This has me questioning the relationship, and whether I should be in it.  A lot.

My boobs and bum are not as large as they used to be.  My hair is gross.

Yet there is a fear of weighing as much as I did last summer because I hated the way I looked and the way my body felt then.  I was anxious and depressed all summer.

Last time I had to weight restore I was fortunate because school kept my mind busy, and my appetite returned (and it was ferocious).

This time, digestive problems and a lack of appetite make it tough to stick to my meal plan.  So I have not been following it like I should be.

When I gained weight, I was still very psychologically ill.  I had hoped that gaining weight would fix my problems, but it did not.  I still did not feel like my normal self, whatever that is supposed to feel like.

Almost 4 years ago I had my first body loathing eating disordered thoughts.

I have come a long way and made a lot of progress.  I have had way more treats foods than I had when I first weight restored.

However, the fact is I need to gain weight.  It will not be fun, but I must stick to it and trust in the professionals that are trying  

July 10, 2017

It’s Monday morning and I feel crazy.

My mind keeps repeating that I am sick.  I want to hurt myself.

You probably need to take more drugs because you’re an idiot and underweight.

I felt really weird this morning.  I felt antsy and anxious.

Then at work and later this afternoon I felt numb and out of it.  Luckily I snapped out of it in my soccer game.  I had an appetite this morning and after my soccer game.  That was it.

I’m constantly questioning whether I’m too sick to be with Harry.

I tried talking to my mom about how I feel on the medication.  She wasn’t extremely helpful.  I tried explaining my anxiety to her, and she said that if what I’m describing is anxiety, then she is anxious all the time.

She said that I know that doing poorly on one test isn’t the end of the world.  I said often I don’t feel that way.  I ruminate.  I overthink.  I’m scared of doing poorly.

I’m scared of doing my research course.  It involves a lot of writing, and I don’t do a lot of academic writing.  I am not a good writer.

“You don’t work enough”

I just want to feel like myself again.

Explaining how I feel to others 

Is a difficult feat

For they are unable to see the wars waging in my mind

How sanity is what I’m desperately trying to find

Worried about the future

Contemplating the past

Battling the rules I rigidly made

Rules that were supposed to keep me safe and sound

Turned me around

Trying to organize the chaos that encompasses my life

So many things I want to do, but never enough time

Picking on myself is automatic you see

I’m trying to stop perpetuating my misery

But depression is a sadness you cannot shake

A welt in your side you cannot heal

Sadness encompasses you and you’d give anything to not exist

Anxiety reminds you of everything you haven’t done

How you aren’t good enough

How everything is impossibly tough

Perfectionism urges you to succeed

But if you’re inadequate, taunting proceeds

The eating disorder developed out of low self esteem

War on my body

War on the image in the mirror

A satisfactory punishment

For all I mess up in

A method of control

A desperate attempt to succeed in something

Anything

Numb the emotions

Quiet the pain

Dwindle and disappear

But you go insane

An unhealthy coping mechanism

No way to live a life

I’m starting to see through this never ending strife

I’m beginning to accept myself for who I am

To acknowledge how far I’ve come

How perhaps I’m not incredibly dumb

Recognize the lies that my mind whispers to me

Each day is a challenge

Each day is a test

Each day I’m trying to do my best

From my experiences I have so much to give

I am continuing to learn

I want to share my knowledge

As my passion for mental health

Continues to burn

It’s amaxing how eating 2 pieces of toast with PB and a banana can be so tough.

July 5, 2017

I am super angry and super anxious.  I ate fucking Hawaiian pizza and I didn’t even want it.

I do not eat ham.  I don’t even like ham.  I’m angry at the circumstances.

I went back to work because I forgot the coffee I ground.

When I arrived, Ally had ordered pizza because her birthday is soon.

It was Hawaiian.  I had a piece without hesitation even though I wasn’t hungry and legitimately didn’t want it.  I wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn’t an anorexic weirdo.  That was the only motivation behind it. Proving I’m normal.  I don’t even know why that’s so important to me.

Thoughts of purging entered my head.  I planned on going to the gym anyway.  Thoughts of skipping dinner entered my head.

I just want to cry.

I could have said I just ate or didn’t like ham.

I’ve been doing so many exposures recently and it’s hard.

My thighs are touching more.  I went for a run and my mind kept yelling at me that my thighs were touching, my butt is flabbier, and my legs now feel like lead and I’m a shitty runner.  Gaining weight is hard.  Looking at my bloated self in the mirror is hard.

I worry about having time for Harry when school starts.

July 4, 2017

This past weekend I went to Port Severn to visit Sophia and Harry.

It was an event that had been planned for quite a while, but the week before I was very uneasy about going.  I had been having digestive upset since returning from India, and my mood wasn’t great either.  After a follow up at the hospital, I was told that I had lost a significant amount of weight and needed to gain it back.  I was all gung ho on this, but it was tough when I lacked an appetite and was dealing with digestive issues.

I failed to make much progress in the two weeks that followed my return from India.  I was nervous about having Sophia and Harry see me like this.

Although a huge part of me didn’t want to go, I started to feel better just before the weekend started.  My stomach didn’t hurt as much!  Although my mood was still variable, I decided to take a leap of faith and go.

My first challenge occurred on the Friday night after going out for drinks with Sophia.  I was hungry and needed a snack.  At the corner store I wanted to get the healthiest snack possible, but instead just went for Munchies.  I cringed when I saw the calories on the package.

The next morning we went to a coffee shop for breakfast.  All they had was pastries and muffins.  I had a plain croissant that was freshly baked and it was really good.  I haven’t had a croissant in a long time.

I drank a lot on Saturday night which was tough.  Part of me always questions why I do it.

We snacked on gold fish and when we went to the corner store I spontaneously got an ice cream sandwich.  It’s usually easier to do exposures like that when I’ve been drinking.  However I was appalled by my choice a little later on and threw part of it away.

Another major challenge presented itself on Sunday.  We went to Harry’s friend’s house to hang out by the pool.  I was self conscious about being in a bathing suit.  It’s something I rarely did last summer.  I couldn’t be comfortable/seen in a bathing suit by my family let alone Harry and his friends.  But I knew I had no other choice.  I actually wasn’t too anxious when I got there because one of the girls had a curvier figure, but was wearing a bikini without care.  The other girl had a nice body and I was trying to stop myself from comparing mine to hers.  I was trying to stop the jealousy growing in my mind.

Sunday night we went to Harry’s aunt’s house for dinner.  I tried lamb because I didn’t want to be rude, and it was not good.  I ate the meal with little anxiety.  I was then obligated to have carrot cake for dessert even though I didn’t want it.  I also had to have wine.  That night I also had a smore while sitting by the fire because I knew it was the only chance I was going to get to have one.

On Monday I had a roast turkey sandwich on a ciabatta bun with avocado mayo, something I wouldn’t have eaten before.

I also went in the river in a bikini with Harry and his sister.  I was jealous of his sister’s body and felt awkward in mine.

After the weekend, I swore I gained weight.  I had eaten more and drank more.  I wasn’t restrictive.  I  can feel my thighs rubbing together and my stomach stick out more.  Yet when I weighed myself the number was the same.

I told Harry I need to gain weight, but he said some triggering things to me.  He said I looked sexy in my bikini and always comments that he likes that I’m small.  It’s weird.  I don’t look as creepily skinny as others think I look?  This reinforces the fact that I don’t need to worry about gaining weight.  When I look in the mirror I bounce between being okay with how I look, to thinking I look too skinny.  It was also tough having Harry be touchy around me.  I have to keep reminding myself that my dry hair and lack of hormones beg to differ.

On Tuesday I was at Shannon’s house and they had ice cream for dessert after lunch.  I didn’t want it, but felt that if I said no I’d be judged for having an ED.  We then baked cookies and I felt like I had to have one of those too even though I didn’t want it.

I’m proud of how much I pushed myself this weekend, and am grateful that the cognitions that prevented me from wanting to be in a bathing suit or wear shorts have weakened.  I am more used to it and it’s less anxiety provoking.  I am also able to eat a wider variety of foods without freaking out.

One weekend of eating more/drinking more will not necessarily cause me to gain weight.  

Something felt wrong about me relaxing.  there were many moments when I felt as though I should be doing something more productive.

June 28, 2017

I just did an exposure.  Going to Hutch’s for ice cream.  I would’ve been fine if I could have had soft serve ice cream, but they didn’t have that.  Truthfully I just didn’t want anything super sweet.  I went for cappuccino flake, and regretted it because there were chocolate pieces in it.  I should’ve gone for plain instead.  It was tough for me to enjoy it.  When we got there and I realized they didn’t have soft serve I got very anxious, to a level of 8.  I almost went for frozen yogurt, but knew I’d be judged by my cousin and my sister.  I don’t want to be the kind of person who can’t go out for ice cream, but it’s so hard for me to enjoy it.  My sister has also been more health conscious recently and I am scared, I don’t want this to impact her.

Thoughts while eating the icecream:

• this is so bad so so bad

• I never have this

• bad

• sugar and fat

• bad

• bad

• I’ll need to run to exercise this off

• bad

• bad

• bad

• why am I having this if I don’t even enjoy it?

• I need to get this out of me

• I want to hurt myself? 

June 26, 2017

It’s remarkable how I could be so hung ho about gaining weight early last week.  How I looked at pictures of myself and was disgusted by how thin I looked.  How I was concerned my clothes wouldn’t fit and others would judge me.

It’s interesting how the week as gone on, and digestive issues have complicated my appetite.  How it has caused my willingness to gain weight to wane.  How the voice in my head is still intent that I’m overweight and need to restrict, when clearly logic would disagree.  How by eating more I sort of feel bad or out of control?  How it will be difficult to cope with the body changes, bigger stomach and bigger thighs.

It’s not as straightforward as – I want to gain weight, I’ll just eat more and be done with it.  Anxiety arises whenever changes are made.

June 22, 2017

So I was offered a TA position that I turned down.  I had been feeling good about my decision, until a guy from my year just walked by and said “congrats on the teaching position”.

It sparked a lot of anxiety and worry in me.  Maybe I should be doing that as well.

• you’re turning down an excellent opportunity

Despite being super set on weight gain it’s interesting how my mind still has a tiny bit of hesitation.  Do I really want to gain weight?  I sort of like being thinner?  Oh dear.

But my lack of hormones and dry hair would beg to differ.

Triggered by mom’s coworker – do you have high grades? Asking me all of these questions I rethink my decision to possibly do med school.  I won’t be good enough for it.

What if I don’t like working in the lab?

May 24, 2017

I feel as though I’m fighting myself.

I weigh __ pounds less but my mind continually insists I’m overweight or that I need to watch what I eat.

I didn’t get my period.

I need to gain weight but I’m scared.

I hung out with Savannah yesterday and it was okay.  The entire time I thought about how I should be doing something else

May 23, 2017

The past few days have been okay, my mood has been variable.  I wonder if it’s because I am probably underweight.  I did not get my period this month.  I believe my follow up at the eating disorders clinic will be very helpful in giving me guidance.  Helping me to move forward.  It has been tough because my appetite has been variable, and I have been busy.  I know I need to try to follow my meal plan to the best of my ability and see food as medicine.

I slept over at Shannon’s house but it didn’t feel the same.  I am not sure if it was coloured by the fact that my mood was low, but it felt weird.  I kind of sensed she didn’t want me to be there.  I was questioning whether I should be there.  I used to be able to enjoy sleepovers, but now my mind revs with thinking about what I should be doing instead.  I also feel sort of disconnected from her.

Likewise, I am hanging out with Savannah today and I don’t want to.  I’d rather do other things I guess.  Which is very unlike me because normally I enjoy being social.

A Day in my Life

Imagine opening your eyes in the morning

Yawning at the start of a new day

Birds chirp and the sun shines into your bedroom

As you begin to gain consciousness, you may think

“I’m excited to go to school today” or

“Work will be interesting”

But in my mind the bully steps onto the stage

Get moving, start doing, it endlessly berates

Sleeping in isn’t an option today

What I should do is based on my thought out inadequacies

Too fat, too lazy, the gym is where you’ll go

But I’m trying to exercise for wellness

Where’s the distinction? I don’t know.

You didn’t accomplish much yesterday

Not enough was done

You should have been studying more

In my mind these thoughts run

You are not good enough

Endlessly on repeat

Overthinking everything

Sensitive to everything I eat.

Intense, strong emotions

cloud my mind

The bully in my head

Is never very kind.

“Just don’t listen to it”

“You know that’s not true”

But it’s so natural and automatic

For years it’s told me what to do

This same drive propelled me

To excel in school

To be athletic and involved

It was a useful tool

Before Gr. 12 it wasn’t so harsh all the time

When it became more malicious

I am not so sure

I endlessly compare myself to everyone I encounter

So balance is what I’m trying to find

Its inclinations I’m trying to endure

————————————————————

Each day a war

Each day a battle

Some are better than others

I’m striving for equilibrium

And to make peace with the bully

Demonizing the bully is not effective

Nor is dismissing its thoughts

Because bullies have their own muddled pasts

I believe my bully is a little girl that is fraught

She’s trying to keep me in line

Aware of the passing of time

Anxious about what’s to come

Believes in control, well at least some

I have always worried about the future

Unsure of what lies there

Control is an attempt to ensure success

In a world that is uncertain and unfair

I busy myself in an attempt to distract

But I get so busy I throw myself off track

Forget to focus on what I have learned

To recognize I needn’t be so concerned

It seems as I cycle through periods of stress

When my mood and my mind are more of a mess

When my coping methods may not be the best

But rest assured I’m trying, I’m trying on this quest

The surface you see may not really be me

I try to put on a brave face

Decisions, the future, which were terrifying to me

I’m now living through, to discover who I’ll be

Before I go to bed

With the bully still in my head

What quiets her is utter exhaustion

But what sustains me is an

May 12, 2017

Weight loss that started from stress and a legitimate lack of appetite has pulled me back into being overly anxious about food, my weight, and shape.  Trying to “perfect” my food intake and beginning to fear foods my brain deems to be “bad”.  When the reality is, my body needs food.  Since I am doing more activity now, I also need to eat more.  I also need to ignore the voice of ED because I feel as though he has become stronger.  When my mood is high I am able to recognize what is wrong and make better choices.  When my mood is low, I am anxious and ED takes over.  I overthink what I’m eating.  “I can’t eat Indian food, it’s take out, take out is bad.  This tastes fatty”.

But I do not need to eat perfectly.  I do not need to look perfect.  I need to be me.  I need to find my own voice outside of perfectionism and Ed.  I don’t know why eating white rice feels so wrong.

All of the times I got angry at myself is because I saw my actions as deviant from perfection.

From blue and white uniforms to blue and white pills

Leaving high school was not seamless.

Top of the class, she’s having a blast!

But only in that very moment.

Graduation is here, all laugh and cheer,

yet in her something had changed.

I am not good enough, being me is tough

Hey, why not lose some weight.

Moved off to university, anxiety grew.

How many months did she last? 

Just a measly two.

The critic in her mind put her in a bind

She truly believed she was doomed.

Time has passed, but she is not cured,

Mental illness isn’t straightforward.

Each time I fall back, I come to face the fact

I am ill but learning from my experiences.

Look at me now, it has been 3 years.

She looks thin again, people wonder and fear.

But I’m not the same person I was three years ago

Scared and naive

I have moments of clarity where I recognize the beast

On my personality it wants to feast.

But I will not let it.

I will use my experiences to grow

I will fight with all of my might.

It takes time to rewire your brain

To come to terms with its incessant thoughts

But I will strive to be a healthier me

To find balance 

And be more free.

May 9, 2017

Part of me thinks I can get research experience when I’m a grad student.

It’s funny how I look at my body and can see that it’s smaller.  I’m less than __ pounds less than what I was at Christmas, yet it’s so obvious on my body.  It make me angry at myself because I want to be a role model for the girls I volunteer with.  I feel like a failure for trying to control how I look.  I don’t like how some days my appetite is ravenous and other days it is absent.

I hate the comments about how I’m tiny.

I like being smaller.  But I wish I had more boobs/butt.

My mind is always running.  Trying to think about what I have to do next.  Always on edge.

I bought pants that were bigger because I was scared of gaining weight and having to spend more money, but right now they don’t fit great.

I have an internal drive

That makes me strive

To do what’s “right”

At all costs

A hyper mind

that’s trying to find

the right way through

to know what to do

Treats taste like failure 

more often than not

Because my brain is so powerful

It’s controlled by strong thoughts

May 8, 2017

This morning I decided to go for a run, because I haven’t been on one in a long time and the weather is finally nicer!  Normally I would want to finish it asap and get on with my day, but today I decided to pause at Sioux lookout and stare at the lake.  I listened to one of my favourite classical songs, and teared up from the beauty of the view.  From the pause I took with nature.  I feel like my head has been running and somersaulting its way through my life.  My thoughts have been annoying and incessant.  Yet staring out at this view my mind quieted.  I felt an overwhelming sense of calm.  It was almost as if the lake was telling me that things were going to be okay.  That life changes, but nature is still there to offer reprieve and a pause.

It made me want to bring my friends and family there.  It made me want to go there and write in my journal.

Our society glorifies busyness and productivity.  Yet it’s important for us to take pauses and breaks to recharge ourselves.

I’m anxious about making the decision to not be a TA in third year.  I don’t like turning things down.  Other people did research and were also TAs.  It would be great to put on my resume and would look great on grad school applications.  It’s an awesome opportunity.  What if I regret turning it down?

May 7, 2017

I need to start recording my food again.

I know I got to a point in recovery in 1st year where I stopped recording.  I filled out the sheets so I’d have something to show Dr. Garda.

However, I need to actually fill out the sheets because I’m overanalyzing what I’m eating, and sub consciously trying to restrict because the “fat” mindset is on replay.

I worked late so I came to dinner late, but my mom really tried to push me to eat something at the restaurant.  My dad had to tell her to back off.  She doesn’t think I’m eating enough.  I struggle with thinking I need to gain weight.  I believe I’m fine, but part of me thinks I’m underweight.  I’m really scared of losing control.  I just don’t like not being in control.  Tonight we were having steak for dinner and I felt so awkward and uncomfortable eating it.  I didn’t want to eat it but I forced myself to. But no part of me wants to eat treat foods.  Meanwhile my mom is clearly trying to lose weight.  She ate no sweet potatoes at dinner.  I’m tired of people at work, and Harry calling me tiny.  Yet whenever I feel as though I’ve eaten too much I beat myself up.  Now that I don’t have school to focus on, my mind concentrates on food.  Part of me is scared of gaining weight.

Functions of my Eating Disorder

• helps cope with negative thoughts and feelings (depression, anxiety)

• protects your self esteem

• helps you feel in control

• helps you strive for perfectionism

• acts as an excuse for failed expectations

• gives you discipline or punishment

• gives you a sense of accomplishment

What is the eating disorder mindset to you?

Wanting to restrict my food intake because my thoughts insist I’m overweight or out of control.  Wanting to eat perfectly.

When the ED mindset is in place:

What attitudes and thoughts about eating, 

April 30, 2017

This past week has been very busy.  Which has been good in some respects because I don’t have time to think. However I tend to overwhelm myself a little bit.

I went shopping with Gabrielle on Wednesday and I had some moments in the mirrors when I wasn’t hating myself.  This was liberating.

The rest of the week I’ve been eating a lot of things I normally wouldn’t eat and this has made me feel anxious and out of control.  I have been trying to manage it and make sure I don’t overeat because I don’t want to gain weight.  Even though I had lost a lot of weight and needed to gain weight and overall want to be a role model for the girls I volunteer with. 

I haven’t been exercising because I have been too busy which is stressing me out.

The thoughts have been insanely annoying.  You are fat.  You need to restrict.  How could you lose so much control?  You haven’t been eating healthily.  You are ugly and dumb.

You only got an A in genetics? You should’ve done better.

Some days my appetite is ravenous and other days it’s absent.  Drinking more alcohol is scaring me.  Drinking on an empty stomach isn’t good for you.  It makes me feel terrible the night of and the next day.  I wake up in the morning and think about everything I ate and drank.  Beat myself up for drinking too much.

Fiona’s party was interesting.  I enjoyed seeing all of my old friends.  I also saw Fiona’s parents who I haven’t seen since I was really sick.  They asked me how I was.  They all said I looked good.  Fiona’s mom asked me how I was actually doing.  I was honest, but focused on more of the positives.

Gabrielle made a comment about how she didn’t know what to do when I went through my stuff.

Lily said I seem like I’m doing much bester.  But it doesn’t necessarily feel that way.  It’s weird because I feel like a fraud.  I feel like on the outside I appear to be okay but on the inside I’m not.

April 23, 2017

I finished my last exam last night. I really don’t think it went well.  I had barely enough time to finish it.  I felt like my mind blanked on some concepts while I was writing it.  It was tough.  I wish I could have done better.  I don’t want it to tear down my genetics mark.  But I know it will.  I was going to start being myself up after it, but I went to Boston Pizza with Brianna and Oliver for drinks.  I actually had a good time.

I woke up early this morning anxious because I was thinking about genetics.  My mind was somersaulting about it, thinking about it and how badly I did.  I feel bad about it.

April 20, 2017

You shouldn’t have eaten that mini egg

You didn’t want it.  It doesn’t taste good to you.

You are a fat idiot

I want to get rid of it.

Today I received an email from the professor I did my 2QQ3 with.  He was returning my paper with a grade and some comments.  When I saw I got the email my mood immediately dipped and I froze up.  I didn’t want to see what he said.  What if he didn’t like my paper?  If he mentioned he made comments he must’ve thought it was bad.  I probably messed it up.  I definitely didn’t do well.  I don’t deserve to do well.  I barely put in any effort.

I was feeling really low, and I knew my mood couldn’t get any worse, so I decided to read the email.  He thanked me for my hard work.  I opened the paper just to see the grade, and he gave me an A+ on the paper and an A+ in the course.  Part of me was happy, but most of me feels like I don’t deserve it. 

April 18, 2017

I just wrote my abnormal psych exam.

I studied very hard for it.  I really want to get a 12 in the course because the content means so much to me.

However writing the exam, there were many questions I had to guess.  There were many questions I was uncertain of.  I felt as though there were questions I should’ve known the answer to, but had forgotten. There was so much content.  So many statistics.  I wish I had prepared more or studied more.  But I prepared and studied a lot.  At least I felt alert and awake during the exam, and not overly anxious.  it was hard putting down answers for things I was almost certain I got wrong.  I felt like I should’ve known more answers.  The textbook and guest lecture questions were so tricky!  I am upset.  I should’ve done better.

But I can’t ruminate on this.  I have 2 more exams at the end of this week I am not prepared for at all.

To complicate things I haven’t had an appetite.  Brianna took a picture of me with the DSM before the exam.  I really hate the way I look in it.  I feel like I look horrible.  Sort of like I did when I had severe issues with my eating disorder.  I am ugly.

Thoughts of being an idiot and worthless and a failure came up when I was writing the exam.

I had the thought: maybe I do just want to shrivel away and disappear.

I don’t have control over anything.

Because you aren’t exercising you’re turning into a fat idiot.

April 15, 2017

So I’ve lost weight.

I am ashamed because I worry people will think it’s because I’m giving into my eating disorder, and then judge me for it.

However, stress and anxiety have been tougher for me recently.  I haven’t even had an appetite.  I haven’t radically changed my eating habits or purposely skipping meal and snacks when I was hungry.

I woke up anxious this morning and haven’t had an appetite all day.  Yet I’ve been mechanically eating.

I haven’t lost that much weight, and I shouldn’t freak out about it.  I shouldn’t judge myself and start beating myself up for it.

This is a learning experience.  I will focus on nourishing my body.

I am okay.

April 14, 2017

You had big plans to spend a chunk of today studying and you didn’t.  You should’ve studied a lot more and you didn’t because you were socializing.  You are such an idiot.  How are you going to do well on your exams if you don’t focus?

You ate way too much today.  You are an overweight idiot.  You are going to eat so much this weekend and gain so much weight.  You always drink too much liquid and feel sick.

April 13, 2017

The seed was planted

On a flight across the Atlantic.

For whatever reason

I became aware

My stomach seemed bigger

My attention turned there.

Coming home from a trip

My clothes had a different fit

I became concerned,

Parts of my brain started to churn.

I want to fix this.

The flower I began to cultivate

Was one of anger and self-hate.

But most of Grade 12 I was busy

I had to perfect my coursework

Sports, clubs and a job made me dizzy.

All the while the flower was there

Slowly it grew,

I began restricting and exercising more

Nobody else knew

I wasn’t getting results

But I am a goal oriented girl,

So as soon as life wasn’t busy,

My mind really started to swirl.

That flower grew much faster

Sprouted very tall,

I hid my self-hate carefully,

Only realizing how horrible it was once it was Fall

Petals have fallen, but parts of that flower still stand.

I’m trying to cut it down,

To resist helping it grow,

A new flower I’d like to sow

So the real me can be found

Today at volunteering all of the girls got their Strong, Beautiful Me shirts, and many of them put them on.  Apparently they were all donated.  The Child Life Coordinator said it was completely inspired by me and the comments I had made earlier mentioning that Aerie was donating 100% of the profits to NEDIC.  I was so proud to see them loving their shirts and wearing them proudly.  I am overwhelmed by their strength.

April 11, 2017

After writing my stats exam today, negative thoughts swirled around my head.

Did You fill out your scantron properly? What if you bubbled something in wrong?

In the 2 hour time limit I had a lot of time to go over my answers and overthink questions.  I started decond guessing myself – did I do this properly?  Or is the formula actually this?  What if I make a dumb mistake?

It doesn’t matter, you won’t do as well as you want to regardless.  You won’t get a 12.  You make so many dumb mistakes.  I bet there are tons of errors in your calculations.

It’s okay, if you don’t do well you can just die.

I know you didn’t do well.

My mind wanted to latch onto the questions I thought I got wrong and replay them over and over trying to figure them out or worry about them.  This same thing happened in high school. 

I blasted music and tried to not think about it.

Overconsumption of liquid?  But I didn’t drink that much coffee?

I had a snack of veggies and hummus the night before.

I will be more cognizant of my liquid consumption.

April 10, 2017

I’m freaking out because I haven’t had an appetite and I sort of perceive myself as being too skinny again.  I’m worried this will affect my grades.  My stomach hurts.

This is okay.  It may have been my stress and my low mood.  I will eat even though I’m not hungry.

I will be okay.

It is not as simple as “you need to make sure you’re eating carbs”

What does my mind say?

Well, I want a 90 on my exam tomorrow, but I probably won’t get it.  I’ll just make multitudes of dumb mistakes.

You are a disgusting, destined to be huge, ugly person.  You never perform well enough.  You let performance anxiety cripple you. You never study 

April 8, 2017

I woke up today feeling unusually good.  However, the thoughts of all my dumb mistakes in stats drill holes into me.

In my gut I know I could’ve done so much better, which makes me angry at myself.  Restriction probably amplified the anxiety.  But I wasn’t hungry? 

Deep down I don’t think I’ve forgiven myself for what happened after high school

I need to punish myself for my dumb mistakes

April 7, 2017

Just went in to check my stats marks.  85 on the first test, 89 on the second test, 93 on the lab test.

If I hadn’t made dumb mistakes I would have 90s.  It made the dumbest mistake on the lab test.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Lawrence is doing much better than me, he has gotten 90s on pretty much everything.

I need to get a 12 in this course.

I was so anxious in that room looking at marks.

Deci wants to study with me but he stresses me out.

April 6, 2017

I felt very anxious when we took up the pre lab in stats today.  I could feel the anxiety in my stomach.  I’ve also had thoughts about being dumb for focusing so much on food and not on school. I’m very very angry at myself for that.  However, I feel as though controlling food is an attempt to numb/control the anxiety.  It’s also tough to cope with the depressive/self critical thoughts in my head. It’s hard having moments of clarity like this because everything seems to make so much sense and having an eating disorder seems like such a stupid idea, weight doesn’t matter, body doesn’t matter I just need to do well in school.

Afterwards, walking to the library all I could think about was: I know my assignment was 3 pages but did I look it over?  Make sure I included all the pages?  That it was printed properly?  I thought I did but maybe I didn’t.  What if I didn’t?  That means I’m missing part of the assignment.  Then I’ll do terribly on the assignment and fail the course.

However I’m pretty sure my printing was fine and assignment was complete.  It’s just tough to deal with these emotions.

I’m worried about what Andrew will say about my report.  I want to do well on the report.  I wish he had given me the guidelines sooner.  Do I need to change it? Is it good enough?

You are an idiot for struggling with food Lauren.  Look at everyone else around you.  They eat normally and most don’t think about it or prioritize it.  They are all going to do so much better than you in school because they don’t have

Me eating disorder is a form of self harm.  Reading about depression in my psych textbook helps me to understand that I have a lot of depressive symptoms.

More tears, more sadness.  I sit on my bed reading all of the nice things others have said about me, and I become angry at the self critical voice I’ve been listening to.  But then I realize that for whatever reason it has become a part of me, and it’s just trying to make me succeed.  So I realize I need to accept that it may be there, and use cognitive strategies to not believe what it says.  To recognize that it does not tell the truth.

My stomach feels huge and bloated. I am going to gain weight. I feel so uncomfortable.  Why did I eat when I wasn’t hungry.

April 5, 2017

I had an appetite this morning and I was grateful for that.  This report has been weighing on the back of my mind.  I was so happy when I had finally finished it, and being told the guidelines after the fact threw me off.  Now I’m wondering if I’ve followed the guidelines properly, and wish I had known them before.  My report is already long, I’m not sure what I should add.

The guilt about not doing enough for the course isn’t so strong anymore.  I did more segmentations than the other student.  Abe said we did a good job.

April 4, 2017

Yesterday my appetite finally came back.  I was ravenous.  I ate a lot more than usual.  Which I sort of wanted to do.  My hair is thin, dry, and falling out more easily.  But this morning I feel like a failure.  I feel like I ate way too much yesterday.  You are so fat.

But I’ve been working in line with my values. I wouldn’t have been able to work out yesterday, I probably would’ve passed out.  I did some work in the lab.  My goal is to focus on school.

I just spoke with Katherine and she told me I looked like I’d lost weight.  This scares me.

April 3, 2017

I finally got my appetite back today, and it was so strong it scared me.  I want to maintain my weight but it’s scary when my appetite is so strong.

I spoke with Hannah from the lab today.  She inspires me!  She told me that it’s possible to work in the lab with any of the grad students.  I didn’t even know that!

She told me she originally did her undergrad at Laurier in sociology.  She then did her undergrad in psych at Mac!  She pursued a masters and is finishing up her PhD.  She wants to go into med school!  She’s planning on writing the MCAT soon.  I’m inspired by her because she proves that you don’t have to follow any specific path to get where you want to go.

April 1, 2017

I went to David’s birthday party last night and it was okay.  There weren’t as many people as last time and I spent most of the night taking care of other people.  I did get to talk to some new people and had some fun.  I was sad that Harry wasn’t there.  I took Dorothy home and I guess the goal oriented part of me was sad because I had planned on seeing Harry.  I took her contacts out, made her toast and put her to bed because she was a little too drunk.  I then saw Harry and went over to his house, watched Finding Dory, and stayed over.  I feel weird about it.  Does that make me a call girl?  We went to bed super late and I hate doing that.  It was nice being with him but felt sort of weird.  I think it ties into the body image issues.  Things have started going quite fast between us.  I think it sort of freaks me out.

I had rep training today so my mind didn’t have time to ruminate on terrible thoughts.  I was amazed by the group of people that got together, who all want to be there to make Welcome Week as awesome as possible.

The voices have been strong recently.  Today I woke up very hungry so I had two slices of toast with peanut butter before heading to training.  They had muffins and fruit.  I had an apple and a simply bar, but I struggled to eat the muffin. I just nibbled at it, thinking about all I had eaten.  I could feel my stomach and thighs.  I didn’t eat my lunch.

Yet conceptually I know I’m too thin because of my lack of appetite recently.  I need to take advantage of being hungry and not fear gaining weight.  I know my skin is dry and hair is thin.  I don’t want to be sick.  I don’t want the demons in my head to take me over.  I need to eat mechanically and not worry about my body so much.  It’s hard when the thoughts are:

• you’re so lazy

• you’re fat

• you never exercise anymore

• you should’ve been doing work

• ugly

I have to fight them.

Food is not something to be manipulated, perfected and controlled.  It is energy.

I went to see Beauty and the Beast with my sister.  It was a good movie, I liked the messages about how beauty is on the inside, and that Belle was a strong female character.  But I became very angry with myself during it.  I don’t deserve to go to the movie theatres, I have too much work to do.  I have exams coming up.  What am I doing! I need to focus.

I pictured my funeral.

I tried to remember that I need to sharpen the saw.

“Don’t get skinny on me again”

March 31, 2017

I feel better after talking to Dr. Winston.  I can’t believe she knew I was off before I had even said I was…..

It’s amazing how conceptually I know I’ve lost weight, that it wouldn’t be bad for me to gain some weight, yet I hate the feeling of a slightly larger stomach/my thighs touching more.

I know why I return to restriction.  When everything feels crazy, and I feel like I don’t have control and feel overwhelmed

March 30, 2017

This morning I was feeling fine.  I woke up, had some toast and coffee, and was going to do a bit of work.  I received an email from McMaster about the ballot, stating that Dr. Antin had picked me.

My head went spiralling a little bit.  I started getting anxious.  Do I have space to be a TA and do a QQ3? I know he wants me to be there for a full year.  Will I have time to volunteer in his lab? 10 hours a week is a lot.  I also have to bus there which isn’t easy and takes up time.  But it’s an awesome opportunity.  I shouldn’t pass it up.  I also have to fit in 4 bio courses in 3rd year.  And the TA course is first term.  Apparently stats is tough.  I can’t take summer school because I’m going to India.  But I need a break from school.  I still want to have time to volunteer next year.

But I’m not even finished this term!  I have that report to do and exams coming up.  I’m super scared for all of that.  I also need to spend more time in the lab.

No time to exercise.

I’ve lost weight recently.  No appetite and anxiety?  Ed being too loud? Who knows?  But it scares me.

Yeah I’ve been overthinking what I’m eating recently.  But the lack of appetite hasn’t helped.  I also felt very nauseous and out of it after speaking with Ann this morning.  I don’t want to eat if I’m not hungry.  Maybe I have a stomach ulcer?

And then there’s Harry.  Things are ramping up.  I’m too busy. Don’t have time.  That makes me feel bad and anxious.  He wants to hang out this weekend.

Do I have time to go to the party?

I can picture the character fear running around in my head like a crazy person.

Breathe.

Stay calm.

I feel bad when I eat goldfish.

My hands are tingling.

I hate myself.

I wasn’t very hungry but knew I had to eat something more than a granola bar for dinner.  But I had no appetite and didn’t want to spend a lot of money.  I couldn’t decide what I wanted from the student centre for dinner.  I walked around the food place but nothing interested me.  Salads are very expensive. 

Are the old habits coming back? I feel like they never left my head.

I have failed.  I should’ve spent more time in the lab.

March 29, 2017

I just read a post about a suicide at the University of Waterloo that occurred March 21st.  A 19 year old boy took his life.  He was very intelligent, very kind, enjoyed baking cookies for others.  His family thought the stress of living away from home, along with the isolating environment of Waterloo was bad for him.  He was also concerned about Co op.  He didn’t have any previous signs of mental illness.

I feel upset because I feel as though I understand him.  Many people may think he was “too weak to handle university”.  Meanwhile he may have had developing mental health issues. He may have felt as though there was great pressure on him to succeed.  He may have had high expectations of himself.  I could have been him.

It’s hard because I feel as though my mood has been variable as well.  Last term I was low for an extended period of time, when I just didn’t want to be alive.  I don’t think I could ever take my own life, but being extremely apathetic about your existence makes you feel like you’re dead on the inside.

This term my mood was much better, until recently it has dipped extremely low again.  I’ve also lost weight.  Yet at this point I feel as though my hunger signals are messed up, and I don’t have much of an appetite.  I’m scared because I know once your mind gets stuck on that DVD it’s hard to take it off.  I don’t want to continue losing weight, yet whenever I go to eat, I overthink it.  My automatic inclination is, don’t eat too much, you’re fat and don’t want to gain weight.  Meanwhile I do not want this to affect my grades.  If this gets in the way of school I’ll be terribly angry at myself.  Mechanical eating is tough but I’m determined to stay on track.

Exams are coming up.  I feel a bit overwhelmed.  I have to write a large report for my 2QQ3 course, which I feel like I’ve failed in.  I don’t want to start the report because I feel like no matter how I write it it won’t be good enough.  However not starting it is weighing over my head. 

• you probably won’t have enough time to devote to it to do a good job on it

• you don’t deserve to go out Friday

• you should have started it earlier

• you are a dumb idiot

• all you do is mess up

• fuck you

I try to rationalize it, but it’s hard to stand up for myself.

I have rep training on Saturday and there’s a birthday party Friday night…..

Harry asked me to hang out.

Dr. Antin emailed me about becoming a 3QQ3 student and next steps.

I feel overwhelmed.

How the hell can Harry like me? I’m unlikable.  There are so many things wrong with me.  Do I have time for him?  I’ve always wanted someone to hang out with, but when it happens I get scared.  I had a massive crush on him and it seems to have disappeared a bit.  Flat affect has taken over.  Is it related to the weight loss?

My hair is thin.  I want to have the time to exercise but I don’t.

I can tell I’m stressed because last night I had a dream that I took a sociology class and I got a 66 in it.  I was horrified.  I thought I had forgotten I was in that class and missed the assignments for it.  I was horrified by the mark.  I then spent the time convincing my parents I couldn’t go on and that I need to die.  I can’t get over my horrible mistake.  It was tough.

All of the stress I’ve been experiencing recently makes me want to not exist too.  I want to hurt myself and I don’t know why.

I went out the Saturday night when we had the genetics midterm Monday.  Class average was 61% and I got 83%.

I went out Saturday night when I had stats Tuesday and Abnormal Wednesday.  I got an 89% on stats and 97% on abnormal. 

March 28, 2017

My affect is flat and I’m not sure why.  Things that would normally make me happy and excited don’t and that’s a bit concerning.

I don’t know what to say or what to do. 

I don’t know who to turn to.  I don’t want to bother them or worry them.

March 26, 2017

I can feel my stomach.  My legs aren’t as thin as they were before.  I liked feeling their boniness as I lied on my side in bed.  You are too large.  You must restrict.

March 25, 2017

Well Well Well.

Yesterday was the formal.  Something I didn’t want to go to because I felt bad about wasting time I should’ve spent studying or catching up on work.

I had fun getting ready with Sophia and Brianna and it was nice to get dressed up. I hadn’t done that in a long time.

I was randomly super hungry yesterday and I didn’t understand why.  I ate despite being wary of it, and knowing I was going to be having a big dinner.

I was happy that the dress I had avoided trying on fit me.

I’m angry at myself because I drank way too much.  We drank wine because it was cheaper, but I wasn’t paying attention to how much I was drinking.  That was a big mistake I’m horribly angry at myself for.  However, I have learned my lesson.  I still did not get as drunk as when I was at Fiona’s party in Gr. 12, or puke randomly anywhere.  Some people were puking at the banquet hall.  I was in control and didn’t do anything dumb at the hall.  I had a fun time dancing.  I didn’t freak out about dinner.  On the bus home I realized how drunk I was, and felt really really bad about it.  I should’ve eaten more during the day.  It sort of reminded me of what I did at Western.

I ate a lot of popcorn when I got home, and cookies.  I should’ve drank more water but I really didn’t want more liquid.  I didn’t like being that level of drunk.  But I have learned my lesson.  

The next morning I feel bad about eating so much and drinking so much.  Yet when I look at myself I seem to be thin…. But I’m scared of gaining too much weight and hating myself more again.  I haven’t been exercising as much.

I feel tired and hung over because I stayed up super late.  But I think it was good I stayed up late because it allowed me to sober up.  I feel weird and a bit out of it, like that one day in Tremblant.  I’m forcing myself to eat carbs because I know that will make me feel better, but it’s hard because I feel so bad about everything I ate last night.  It’s also hard to eat when you have 0 appetite.

I also got my period when I woke up, which explains the weird hunger patterns I’ve had all week.  From 0 appetite to being ravenous.

Being angry at myself for getting too drunk and having it already be 2:40pm the next day (and I haven’t done any work) (and I feel hung over and weird) makes me very very angry at myself.  I wonder why I wasn’t being careful and watching what I drank.  Normally I’m more careful.  I don’t like to lose control like that.  I feel so stupid.  I feel like such a dumb ass.  I really don’t like myself.  I don’t like to make mistakes. I feel the need to punish myself and fix this.  I can punish myself and fix this.

This was okay in the past because I was younger and stupider.  It still wasn’t good though.

Breathe.

Self compassion…. Beating myself up won’t make things better.  After drinking water and eating I feel a bit better.  I am okay.  I can work for the rest of the day.  School is my priority.  Ed can die. I will not listen to him.

Part of it could be the period and mood changes associated with that.

I don’t think drinking a lot is smart for me to do.  Most people are fine with it, but I think it impacts my mood too serverely the following day.

It’s difficult for me to shake this crushing feeling of disbelief.  I am shocked that he would want anything to do with me.

I do not see myself properly in the mirror, or view myself properly and objectively.

I am aware of my disordered thoughts.  

You need to go for a run Lauren.  You are overweight and you…

March 22, 2017

I just met with one of the family doctors at the student wellness centre and he was very nice.  He took time during the appointment to teach me about statistics in medical care which was interesting.  He was also very blunt when talking with me.  He straight out asked if I had anxiety, and an eating disorder.  It caught me a bit off guard, but he said some very interesting things about EDs.  He said that he really enjoys working with the population because they tend to be bright and really nice people, and that they just happen to have a horrible disease.

I was amazed that a medical doctor had such a deep understanding of the illness and acknowledged that it was a disease and not a choice.  He also asked me how I was doing, knowing that you don’t just get over it.  He understands.

Just did a genetics quiz.  Got 75% because I didn’t look over the tutorial well enough before doing the quiz. I am angry.  I know it doesn’t matter that much in herms of my overall grade, but I’m angry.  Lawrence always gets 100.  I shouldn’t have made that dumb mistake.  I should have been more careful.  I just want to hurt myself.  I hate getting things wrong.

Zach also got 3/4.  Brianna got 3/4.

March 21, 2017

I have my stats test today and I am terrified.  I’ve studied, but I don’t feel like I know anything.  All I can think about is how I won’t do well (or as well as I’d like to) and that I’m going to be tricked by many of the questions.  I don’t feel like I’ve prepared enough even though I’ve been studying.

“Your legs are touching more now Lauren, you’re an overweight failure”

I wish I knew why I was so perceptive as to how my body feels.

Lawrence said something yesterday that made me very angry.  He got an 88 on the second genetics midterm and 87.4 on the first one.  He was worried that the second midterm would be weighted less than the first.  I told him that he’s lucky because it won’t really matter because he basically got the same mark, and that he should be grateful he did better because a large majority of the class did much worse.  He said that it actually does matter, and that he shouldn’t suffer because we didn’t study the right way???? (or study properly, somehing along those lines)

I was furious.  First of all, I was extremely jealous that he did better than I did in genetics, and started beating myself up for not doing well.  I vowed to do better.  I wondered why I hadn’t done better when I probably studied more than him.  I was appalled that he had the audacity to say that.  His girlfriend Brianna got a 50… because she didn’t study properly? I don’t think so.  She had a panic attack that was beyond her control during the test.  That stuff happens, yet he was being so condescending.  I became very angry and upset.

I then went to the last eating disorder group meeting, and learned about others’ stories.  In our final remarks one of the girls said she really appreciated hearing my positive stories about therapy and help, and now has more hope for recovery.  I was amazed that I had that much of an impact on others.  It made me realize that I just want to help others and assist them in realizing they are not alone.

You are a fat dumb loser who is going to fail stats today

I’m really anxious right now.  I’m scared for my test.  I felt constipated last night so I took a laxative before I went to bed.  Was that a bad thing to do? You’re not supposed to.

I know I overconsumed liquid because my hands are cold and I hate it when I do this I did this before genetics and a freaked out during it I don’t want this to affect my stats mark help.

I just wrote my midterm.  It went by so fast.  I was unsure of all of my answers and very anxious.  But I was not hungry during it.  I felt alert and in control, I was just unsure of all of my answers.  Afterwards I put my headphones in and blasted music so I couldn’t hear other people talking about the test.  Before the test I felt crazy and extremely anxious.  I felt as though my mind blanked on some things during it.  I couldn’t trust anything I was putting down.  I realized the test was out of very little and was very upset.

Afterwards my mind jumped to being a dumb idiot.  I tried to distance myself from these thoughts.  I think the test went horribly and that I am a failure.  I can not do anything right and at least I have my eating disorder I can excel at.  At least I can control that.  I just won’t eat.

All I ever do is screw everything up.

I don’t deserve to be here.  I am a fraud.  A skeleton of a human being.

I bet Lawrence did better than me.

I am a failure.

Worthless.

I have to try my best for abnormal.

March 19, 2017

So….. after waking up in an off mood yesterday, writing the online midterm, and going out, here I am.

Lunch was nice, the movie was nice, but I didn’t plan on hanging out with him for 6 hours.  I planned on doing some work so I wouldn’t feel so bad about going out.  I was also extremely anxious for the last 6 hours.  I wish I had urged him to leave.

I didn’t get any work done, and felt weird after hanging out with him.  I felt bad because Olivia and Stephanie and Brianna wanted to go out, but I really didn’t want to.  I felt bad about cancelling, and after calling Shannon she said “you deserve a break”.  So I went out and had a pretty good time.

But waking up (early) my mind starts to race and ruminate and I couldn’t fall back asleep it was so loud.

• you wasted so much time yesterday.  You have so much work to do, you shouldn’t have gone out.  Also, you drank empty calories and ate too much.  You haven’t exercised in forever!  You also went out for lunch when you weren’t even hungry and ordered something that had so many things on it you normally would never eat.

• You should’ve told Harry to leave earlier so you could’ve gotten some work done.

• This was a behavioural experiment.  Now you know what it’s like to swing the pendulum too far.

My mood has overall been quite low today, and I wonder if this is what depression feels like.  

March 18, 2017

My mind is extremely angry.  I know it’s because Mr. Goal Oriented isn’t happy.  I’m horrifyingly angry I wasted 6 hours this afternoon.  I wish I had the guts to tell him to leave.  I have so much work to do and I’m behind in everything and I’m not doing well in school.  I don’t have time to go out.  I need to stay in and do work.

But part of me wants to go out.

March 17, 2017

I HATE EATING WHEN I’M NOT HUNGRY.

Mechanical eating sucks.  A lot.  Yet my mood dips because I’m hungry, I just don’t have an appetite.  I know I’ve messed up my hunger signals.  But I don’t want to gain weight.

In high school I was smart because I wasn’t preoccupied with how much I was eating.

March 16, 2017

So this morning I had my interview at Starbucks.  I wasn’t hungry for breakfast but I ate oatmeal anyways.  The coffee had a huge effect on me, turns out my stomach was empty.  I ate some snacks when I got home and my mood was much better.

I really enjoyed tutorial in genetics today. I answered a lot of questions and knew what was going on.

We got assignments back at the end and I saw that on the first page I got 0.5 off and Brianna didn’t.  Immediately I became angry at myself and started to beat myself up.

I was anxious about handing in my stats prefab.  I also hated going to class and taking it up.

Many of us got different answers from what the prof was talking about.  I’m tired of perfectionism tearing my life apart.

I don’t trust my hunger signals to regulate my body weight.  I fear that if I stop eating safely I’ll start doing terribly.

I only got 90% on my genetics assignment.  I wish I had done better.  It’s only worth 5%.

You are stupid and not doing enough is swirling in my head.

Only 83% on the genetics midterm I didn’t have time to look over.  The test I barely had time to finish.

I’m extremely angry.  Why’d I get 2 marks off on short answer?  If I had gotten those right I would’ve gotten 88%.  I’m not doing enough.  I’m not doing well.  I need to try harder.  Was it because of the partying?  I don’t know.  I’m horrible.  I need to focus more on school.  I don’t have time for these other things.  What is wrong with me.  I will try to do better.

Today I saw the mental health play and thought it was fantastic.  One scene hit me very hard.  The scene about the mother holding her newborn baby, and how that girl has mental illness.  It made me realize how heartbreaking it must’ve been to have been my parents when I was sick.  To have seen me as a baby, and then to see me when I got back from Western.  It must’ve torn them apart.  I was able to see things from their perspective and it was eye opening.

I have a lot of thoughts about self harm.

The words of other people saying I’m good enough aren’t enough.  Existing is torture.

March 15, 2017

I felt as though everything I’ve been through had some purpose.  I felt as though being a psychologist and trying to support others would be my future career.  I just can’t believe I was able to have such a positive impact on her.  It makes me want to intent to continue with recovery, and to continue to challenge ED thoughts.  To strive for balance instead of rigidity.  To be a role model.

I also received an email from the tour guide coordinator saying this:

We had a wonderful experience at the Campus Tour today. Our tour guide ( I think her name was Lauren – she is a second year Life Sciences student ) was very articulate, enthusiastic and well informed. She was very patient with all our questions and handled the group with a pleasant sense of humour.

This made me very happy as well.  I had a great start to my day!

However, as the evening goes on, I notice my mood is very low.  I was actually quite hungry and ate dinner at 4.  Now I feel like I haven’t accomplished enough, even though I’ve done a lot today.

I feel like I’ve done a terrible job with my lab placement, I haven’t devoted enough time to it. I feel like I haven’t studied enough for stats, and that no matter what I won’t do well.

My mind bounces back and forth trying to decide if I have time to see the boy.  I need to be studying.  I’m not doing well enough in school.

I remember my mood dipping like this during my year off.  I’d start the day off in a great mood and dwindle in the evening.

I’m aware I’ve lost some weight.  I’m worried that my slow wound healing and drier skin is indicative of ED.  I haven’t been following my meal plan.

Learning about depressive disorder today make me think about my general mood state last semester.  The world almost lost me.  I remember being so low for such a long time.  Feeling so lonely and isolated.  Feeling like I would never succeed and that the world was just full of disappointment with nothing to look forward to.  Was that a depressive episode?  Do I have depression?  Am I at risk for feeling like that again in the future?  How can I manage it better in the future?

I feel a major disconnect between my grades and myself.  I don’t believe I’m smart.  I question how I was able to do so well in first year and first semester of second year because I am not smart!  Other people are much smarter than I am.  I’m too busy caught up with anxiety and ED.  It literally doesn’t feel like it was me who got those grades, or that it was a fluke. 

March 11, 2017

You didn’t deserve to spend time with him.

He probably doesn’t like you.

In fact I know he won’t like you.

Look at you.

All you do is mess up.  You eat too much.  You don’t study enough.  You waste so much time.  You are a loser.  You are lazy.  Give up.  You wasted his time.

You’re a waste of time.  A waste of space.  You probably sounded stupid when talking to him because you got hungry.

He won’t understand you.

I know I’m not in the right place to be in a relationship.  But I also know I never will be.

I am too much of a burden.

He will not accept your darkness.

March 9, 2017

So I just did my interview with the prof and I felt extremely anxious before it.  I have been unable to focus on my other courses before it because I was so anxious.  Last night I felt crazy, like my mind was running a mile a minute.  I had considered canceling it, because I’m not sure if I would make a good TA.  I’m not qualified. I’m not good enough to be a teacher.

However, I tried to view it as though it would be a good interview experience.  Regardless of what happens, it’s good to have more experience doing interviews because I will have to do many of them in the future.  In the back of my head I was thinking, well if I’m this nervous for this interview, how will I ever do a medical school interview, or a grad school interview.  Anyways.

I made sure to eat before it.  I wasn’t about to let that get in the way.  But I felt extremely alert and on edge.  

Overall I felt like my brain and body were disconnected during the interview.  It felt like my brain was revving on high.

I felt like I did a terrible job. I felt so unprepared.  I should’ve practiced more.  I didn’t know how to answer some of his questions.  I spoke too fast.  The presentation wasn’t good.  Lawrence put a case study in his.  His presentation will be so much better than mine.  I looked at my notes too much. I screwed this up.  You suck.  You should’ve prepared more for the interview questions.

He asked me how I thought it went and asked me to say one good thing about my presentation.  it was tough for me to think of anything because I thought I had done so terribly.  He asked me to list things I thought I could improve on, and I thought I would’ve like to prepare more and spoken more slowly.  He seemed to think I did a good job, and didn’t think I spoke too fast.  He just wanted to make sure I had examples to connect the topics discussed back to real world examples.  

Then he told me that he ranks you during the interview on a scale of 1-100.  He said the cut off last year was a minimum of about an 83.  He said that I scored in the high 80s.

The first thought I had was, wow I did horribly. That’s so bad.  I don’t deserve this position.  I completely screwed up the interview.  I’m not going to get this position.  Why didn’t I do better? I need to be in the 90s.  I bet most other people will score in the 90s.  Wow that went so terribly.  

He spoke with me after, mentioning how they’re going to use EEGs in tutorial next term, and discussing how evolution is going to have a real prisoner’s dilemma with clicker points.

I also had a really bad answer when he asked me what I do in my spare time.  I read, I bead loom but I forgot to mention those things.  I could only think of the violin, hanging out with friends and volunteering.  He probably thought I was a loser who doesn’t do anything.

150 people applied.  Not many get interviews.

UGH I’m so behind in everything.  Life is too busy.

March 8, 2017

Today I’m really nervous and anxious for my interview tomorrow with the professor.  I’ve been procrastinating practicing my presentation.  I don’t even know how long it is!  I didn’t enjoy it when my friend Lawrence was talking about it.  It raised my anxiety and I could sense him being anxious as well.

It sort of bring up public speaking fears from when I was a kid.  What if I don’t do a good job?  What if I look at my notes too much?

I want to be a TA, but I don’t think I’ll get it.  I can see myself messing up the presentation and doing a horrible job.  I don’t even know if I have what it takes to be a TA.

I definitely need to practice but I feel awkward doing it.

My stomach hurts and the old symptoms of anxiety are back.

All I can do is my best.

I had a realization today after talking to my friend Charles.  He asked what the Governor General’s Bronze Medal was and I explained it to him.  He sort of knows about my craziness so I showed him my high school marks, and it was eye opening to see his reaction.  He thought it was pretty crazy I got such high grades.  It’s weird because I think that’s normative and expected.

It brought me back to the perfectionism I’ve dealt with most of my life.  Feeling like I had to get as close to perfect as possible in every course.  What kept me happy was the fact I was able to do that.  The amount of work and effort I put into school to maintain that.  The anxiety that built around grades.  How I pushed myself to the limits in Gr. 12.  Looking back I can see how I was so much different than Shannon.  I was adamant about getting perfect.  I got a sense of relief when I got 99 or 100.

I adopted numerous bad habits.  I can’t be perfect.  I need to learn to accept that.

it’s weird how eating a full sized wrap for lunch can feel weird.

It’s weird how eating more feels weird.

However overthinking food and being at war with myself will get me n

March 6, 2017

Today we got to look at our midterms for stats.

I found out that my friend got a 95.

I got an 86.

I am extremely angry at myself because the one question I got wrong I had the right answer to, but doubted myself and selected a different option.  Another question I completely messed up and I hate making stupid mistakes and I shouldn’t make them.  I threw away a mark for a careless error.  It wasn’t that hard of a test why didn’t I do better?  Above 90 is the only acceptable grade.  I wish I had done as well as my friend.  I don’t like it when other people do better than me.  I should do just as well as others and you mistakes are unacceptable.  I am extremely angry at myself and will try harder.  I don’t deserve to go out and have fun because I am a screw up.

However I was experiencing weird side effects from my medication, and did not feel like myself that day.  I was extremely anxious during the test.

I messed up again.  I shouldn’t have gone out on the weekend.  I hope I can do better on genetics.  I probably messed that up because I haven’t studied enough.  Nothing I ever do is right.  I am a colossal failure.

I’m happy when I hurt myself.

Anxiety about exercising less.

March 3, 2017

Going over my abnormal psych midterm.

I got a question wrong because of a dumb error.  Looking back I can clearly see what the right answer was.

I’m really bothered by my careless error, even though I overall got 92.5%

I overthought another question and got it wrong.  Angry about that.  I had the right answer.

I overthought ANOTHER QUESTION

I could’ve gotten 100.

I was overthinking and trying to think too specifically about questions.

I’m upset about the stupid mistakes.  I could’ve done better.

I feel frustrated and upset.

I KNEW THE RIGHT ANSWERS.  Why did I put the wrong ones when I knew the right ones.

I could’ve been one of the people that got 98.

Why isn’t 92.5% good enough?  It’s in the range of a 12.

Well, getting a higher grade would provide me with more of a buffer for future tests/the exam to ensure I get an A+.

I’m just very upset because I literally almost put the right answer but was thinking there was a better answer.

What can I learn from this?  Don’t overthink questions?

You could’ve done better on repeat in my head.

• I did well considering I felt out of it and not anxious for the test

• I did well considering I wanted to die afterwards

I’m upset because I feel like I could’ve done better on the first round of midterms if my mood was better and my meds weren’t giving me weird side effects.

March 2, 2017

So.

I think Ed has been returning.

I legitimately lacked an appetite over the past few days.  Not being hungry at all is tough.  I force myself to eat but sometimes I reject food.  However, now when I am hungry I question it.  Or worry about what I’m eating.  I’ve noticed the weight loss and I like it.  I want to maintain it and I’m scared of regaining the weight.  I went to a burger place with a friend and got fries even though I didn’t want them.

It’s because when I think about not eating I get so happy.  I feel so accomplished.  But I know this feeling is wrong.

I cannot listen to ED judging me.

I’ve noticed it become harder to eat 3 meals a day.  Harder to have treat foods.  More judgment after eating a meal, or a forbidden snack.  Eating more vegetables.

More tentative about eating grains and fruits. “High in sugar” “if you eat less carbs your body will burn fat, you don’t need carbs”.

“Peanut butter and banana toast – high in carbs”

My overall mood has been higher.

I wish I could just eat the same exact meal and know that my body won’t change.

Other people eat so normally.  Brianna doesn’t care.  Lawrence doesn’t care.

A huge part of me wants to skip the party.  I can’t go to the party, I have a midterm on Monday.

I feel like recently I’ve been listening to ED too much.  Deriving too much satisfaction from having lost a bit of weight.  I don’t want to be like that.  I want to be a role model of body positivity.  I don’t want ED to control my life.

I know this shouldn’t matter.  I don’t want it to get in the way of school, or ruin friendships.

February 25, 2017

I just got back from Tremblant and had a good trip, but I want to reflect on some of the things I noticed and felt while away.

I knew going on this trip would be an extreme challenge on the ED front.  I would have to eat at places I normally don’t eat, and eat foods I normally wouldn’t eat.  One of the guys also knows about my past, and when I’m around people that know I always become self conscious and don’t want them to judge me for what I eat.  I also know that wanting to order salad all the time or skip a meal isn’t normal, and would be weird for any of the guys.  I didn’t realize that young adult boys eat so much.  Yet they have little to no body fat………… And they eat literally whatever they want.  I was a bit jealous.

As per usual I tried to micromanage what I ate.  I tried to not overeat.  I was uncomfortable drinking every night, but I only drank excessively on one night (oops) and threw up because of it.  I was happy I threw up because then I wouldn’t have to worry about the calories.  But then I felt really weird on Tuesday while skiing and did not enjoy it.  I tried to choose healthier meal choices.  Yet I feel as though I am huge and have gained so much weight because I drank too much.  It’s not fair they can do whatever the hell they want and not gain weight!  My mind keeps circling, stuck on how overweight and worthless I am.  Normally we get beaver tails when we go, so I got one, but couldn’t enjoy it.  It was tough trying to enjoy the alcohol because I just saw it as empty calories.  Many times I was convinced that my friends didn’t want me there.  They kept asking for photos with just the boys and I just had the feeling they didn’t want me there.  I sort of felt like a burden, or that I was annoying.

I was able to enjoy myself despite thinking about all the work I have to do.  I feel very behind and a bit guilty.  However, being at Tremblant made me so incredibly happy.  I loved the village and the mountain.  The scenery was breathtaking and I was at peace when I looked at it.  I enjoyed the break from schoolwork, but was on the go most of the time.  My mood would dip but I tried to not pay too much attention to the negativity.  Sometimes I get super negative when I’m hungry, yet I don’t feel hunger.

I am not excited to check my marks or return to the schoolwork.  Perfectionism is crippling me.

Zayne amazes me.  He is gifted and incredibly smart, yet he doesn’t have any anxiety.  He barely has to do any work to get the marks he gets.  He’s in Waterloo engineering and goes out often.  He plays on teams and does activities.  He made honour roll…..in engineering….

People think he’s an emotionless robot, even though I can see he does have emotion.  He just is able to let things go much more easily.  I envy his lack of anxiety and stress.

Biochem: I messed up many questions I shouldn’t have.  I should’ve studied more for the midterm. I was really shaken up after it.  Patrick was being uber perfectionistic about it and it was so triggering.  I know I didn’t do well.

After: I only got 35.5 out of 40…. That’s only 88.75%.  I could’ve done much better than that.  I will take it more seriously next time.  I’m upset it’s not a 90 when I did it with friends.  I’m upset over the stupid mistakes I made on it.  But it’s only 10%.

Stats: I wanted to not exist after this one.  I know I did very very poorly.  I hope I can do better in the future.  I was very anxious before and after because hunger hit me right before.  I’m upset.

After:

Genetics: Oh god.  This went horribly…………………..

What would I say to a friend in this situation?

Lauren it’s okay.  It was one test.  You are not defined by a single test.  You can learn from your mistakes and do better.

After: 87.76% I got 4 MC wrong and 2 SA wrong.  Had I bubbled in my MC 

February 16, 2017

I totally just screwed up my stats midterm and I am angry at myself.  I barely had enough time to fill out the scantron.  My friends were talking about it after and I got so many questions different from them.  I didn’t know the answer to so many questions because I was confused, or stuck between 2 answers.  I felt rushed.  I feel crazy.  I studied so hard for it and I know I won’t do well.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I got a 60.  I studied too hard to get a 60.  Everyone else did so much better than me.  I should’ve eaten more.  Immediately my thoughts jumped to not existing.  How can I forgive myself for screwing up so bad?

I feel really bad.

I hate myself.

All I ever do is screw up.

I wasn’t hungry this morning, until the end of my genetics tutorial when I was starving.  Right before my midterm. 

I made sure to eat a protein bar and granola bar.  I felt okay.

However, I usually feel this way after tests.

I can’t do anything about it now.

Ruminating on it and beating myself up will not change anything.

I need to focus on listening to my hunger signals and listening to my body.

I know in my heart that I did my best.

I know that I can’t always knock a test out of the park.

Thankfully it wasn’t worth too much.

I have to keep going and push forward.

I felt this way after my orgs midterms in the summer, and did better than I had expected.

This too shall pass.

I can’t ruminate on this.

I have learned a valuable lesson and will move forward.

February 15, 2017

The old me is buried deep inside.

The bubbly, hyper, carefree parts of me have faded and disappeared.

Replaced by a demon whispering in my ear.

No longer can I look at food without calculating if it’s safe to eat

My mind may tell me to not have it, but I have to accept it’s okay to have a treat.

I no longer crave candy, chocolate or chips

The taste of anything too sweet is like poison on my lips.

“Don’t think about it”

Excellent advice

If I could turn that voice off

That would be quite nice.

You cannot choose how your mind thinks

How it initially reacts

How in the mirror all I can see

Is layers of never ending fat

How others see the good in me

But I can only perceive my flaws

No matter how well I’ve done

It just doesn’t seem good enough

Each activity I partake in is well overthought

Should I go out tonight? I have to study.

Productivity ties me in a knot.

There’s always something I could be doing

Guilt consumes me if I’m not doing it.

But where to draw the line you see

When others have a similar mindset.

Balance?

What is balance?

Others do it so naturally.

I have to schedule “fun time” and “time for me”

But the monsters of guilt taunt me

Along with Mr. Anxiety

Perfectionism erodes me

Being alive is tough you see.

I fight.

You do not see my battles.

Yet I fight every single day.

Some are better than others,

Some days the voices aren’t quite as loud.

I’m never fine

or truly okay

But I’m learning to accept that.

I can’t let these things define my day.

I think I’m learning how to handle them.

So I’m sorry if my perfect exterior has been crumbled.

Or if you feel sorry for me.

But the last thing I want to be is a burden.

The more I learn

The more I can thrive.

So I can feel like I’m truly alive.

For I can’t be fixed by a magic pill

Or immediately stop the voices out of pure will.

But I am strong.

I am persevering.

I hope through my struggle

I can help others

Gain vitality

February 12, 2017

So.

You went out last night with some friends.

You got motion sick in the car and threw up.

You’re embarrassing.  A wreck.

You drank so much and ate so much last night.  You drank too much.  You should’ve been more careful.  You know that you can’t drink as much as the average university student.  Be more cognizant of that.  I didn’t actually drink that much….

BUT you ate pizza and gross popcorn, all because your stomach was empty.

Then you went out for breakfast with Katherine and ordered french toast and an egg.  So many carbohydrates.  You are going to be so overweight.  You are fat.  You are a failure.  Don’t break your rules.  You shouldn’t have gone out.  You’ve wasted all weekend and you have so much work to do.  Feel your stomach.  Failure.  You don’t have time to exercise.  You’re just a  fat failure who can’t do anything right.  You stayed out way too late.  You’re too tired and feel off.  You need to be productive today to catch up.  Stop messing everything up all the time.  You don’t deserve to eat. You shouldn’t have gone out.

You’re so behind in studying.