The holidays in 2020 were weird and different. Zoom calls replaced Christmas celebrations, and I celebrated New Years with Greg and Lawrence. Instead of doing things and celebrating, I had a lot of time to chill and not really do anything. I struggled because I’m a natural doer, but challenged myself to do fun random activities and cope with the stillness. I baked a lot of bread, went on walks and runs, played some video games, and played card games and board games with my friends.
I’m still seeing my psychologist, and am now connected to a psychiatrist closer to me. I know that coping with mental health struggles isn’t a quick fix, it takes time and you need to be willing to ask for support when you need it. I’ve accepted that I have to continue doing what it takes to care for myself and prioritize my well being. Honestly, doing this is REALLY hard from someone who is type A and thinks that meditation is a waste of time. I feel guilty about all the money my parents have had to spend on therapy, but know that I wouldn’t be here without it. I’m worried about the future, but am trying to take things day by day. We’re currently in another lockdown due to the pandemic, but vaccines have been approved and I hope we will be able to do more normal things again soon.
After writing this, I’m in awe of how much I’ve been through, while on the outside I was a high achieving, average looking person. I believe there are many people like that in society, and that’s why we need to do a better job of checking in on those close to us. Instead of being scared of mental illness, we need to learn and do our best to support those struggling. I know that life is a journey, and recovery is a journey. I’m finally more self compassionate, more caring towards myself, and more aware of the strength I possess. Instead of feeling like I’m not enough, I actually have a lot of moments where I do feel like I’m enough. Though I’m still hard on myself, I’m working on being more realistic (without being super fluffy). I wish I had taken time to slow down earlier on in my journey, but stigma is pervasive and hindsight is 20/20. In sharing my story I hope to tell others that there is help, getting help is a process, but it does overall get better. Nobody should ever feel ashamed about needing help with their mental health. In fact, early intervention leads to the best outcomes no matter what you’re struggling with!
I love being a mental health advocate, and being there for others when they are struggling. I’ve applied to do accelerated nursing as well as a master’s of psychotherapy starting in the Fall, but haven’t made a decision as to which path I want to take. I also have the opportunity to do the business program online in May. I have a wealth of options, and I’m free to do whatever will work best for me. No matter what career path I take, I know I will be a tireless mental health advocate, pushing for the stigma to be shattered and for care to be improved. I will try to let life lead me where I belong, and be okay with the uncertainty that encompasses being in your 20s. I will use my anxiety and work ethic and channel these into doing good things, rather than destroying myself. I will do my best knowing that setbacks and bad things are bound to happen. I still struggle with all of the injustice I see in the world. The blatant inequality that exists. I become jealous of people who have never severely struggled with their mental health. I get angry at the long waitlists there are to access mental healthcare. I get angry at the high price of seeing private psychologists and psychotherapists, but understand why they do this. I get angry that people with mental illnesses don’t get the same level of support from their community as people with physical illnesses. All I can do is try my best to make a difference and make things better.
“He had said that our lives are steered by uncertainties, many of which are disruptive or even daunting; but that if we persevere and remain generous of heart, we may be granted a moment of supreme lucidity – a moment in which all that has happened to us suddenly comes into focus as a necessary course of events, even as we find ourselves on the threshold of a bold new life that we had been meant to lead all along.” – A Gentleman in Moscow
A Mind Warrior 