One of the wildest months of the decade. I’d just started volunteering online as a crisis text line volunteer and was getting used to the intensity of it. Things had also gotten a bit better at work, as I was getting more patient interaction, and we were going to be starting recruitment soon. In mid-March, the world changed forever. Months ago we had heard about a virus that was ravaging China, the coronavirus. It seemed like a distant problem. However, as months went on, this deadly virus spread across the world. It was highly transmissible and dangerous for older people and people with pre-existing health conditions. Other countries around the world faced devastating death tolls and had overwhelmed hospitals. Canada went into lockdown in mid-March, where we weren’t allowed to leave our home unless we needed to get essential items from stores. All events and gatherings were automatically cancelled. Travel stopped. The world seemed to pause.
I didn’t want to quarantine with my roommates, so I immediately moved back home. Fortunately, in-person classes were moved online, so my sister moved home as well.
Making decisions about anything in life was extremely difficult. I recognized that my own mental health was suffering, and felt like I needed to do something about my erratic eating habits. Though they weren’t awful, they were causing me distress. I went to the walk-in clinic with a form in my hand to submit a referral to the Credit Valley Eating Disorders program in Mississauga.
When I found out that the in-person business program I was excited to do had shifted to being online, I was distraught. A huge part of why I wanted to do this program was because I wanted to move to a different place and meet different people. That all changed. I wasn’t sure if the program was worth the exorbitant amount of money anymore. I knew I wasn’t a fan of fully online learning. I felt like I needed to prioritize treatment and taking care of myself. I was accepted to uOttawa’s Masters of Education in counselling psychology program. I also was getting online patient interaction and enjoying work a bit more in that respect. After agonizing for weeks, I made the decision to defer the program.
Being in lockdown is crazy. You can’t go to restaurants, bars or clubs. You can’t have gatherings with friends or family. You can’t go to the gym or any community events. Running events are cancelled. You are forced to work from home if possible (something I’d NEVER wanted to do because I like the social aspects of an office). The one thing that has been most helpful for me in my mental health journey has been spending time with friends and family. I’m an extravert, and love being around people. So not only did the lockdown upend my day-to-day life, it worsened my mood, as seeing friends virtually isn’t the same. I’d also started dating Greg, and suddenly we weren’t allowed to see one another.
Needless to say, this was a tough time for everyone, including myself. I struggled adjusting to living with my parents again without being able to go anywhere else (however living in a house during a pandemic beats an apartment any day). This increased my anxiety around food, because I believed they judged me for what I did and didn’t eat. The treatment I’d been looking forward to was no longer offered in person, it was online. The program I was initially supposed to do had a 6 month waitlist, but fortunately I became eligible for the program with a 3 month waitlist. I was able to see my psychologist virtually, though I had to start paying for sessions.
I had to explain to my manager that I needed time off work for mental health reasons. Despite working at a mental health hospital, this was insanely challenging for me to do. I felt weak and like a bad employee. Starting a program virtually was scary and daunting. I was not a fan of the online format, and felt like nobody around me understood why I was doing this. I also didn’t like attending treatment from my bedroom. I felt like the other girls were more sick than I was. Realizing that this was not the time to be doing this, I did it for one month before going back to work. I enjoyed the camaraderie of speaking with people who truly understood me, but knew I could attend other community groups to achieve that. I also felt as though my eating and mood had improved.
One of the best decisions I made during lockdown was to buy a puppy. I’d been looking at rescue websites for a long time, as our family dog that we’d had for 14 years passed away last August. My dad didn’t want another dog, but my sister, my mom and I did. I looked up various breeders, but their waitlists were extremely long. I resorted to Kijiji, where the price of dogs was increasing and few dogs were available. We almost adopted one dog, but realized it was from a puppy mill run by Amish people. I contacted another man who had one dog left. He assured me his cockapoos weren’t from a puppy mill, that his grandparents bred dogs on the side. I decided to take his word for it, and my sister and I put down a $300 deposit on a puppy by sending an e-transfer to a random guy. I fully understood the risk I was taking, and my sister and I were each prepared to lose $150. I wouldn’t allow my sister to act like it was real until we had the puppy in our arms. We surprised our parents with the news (my mom was ecstatic, my dad not too happy), and waited until early May to pick up the puppy.
My mom, sister and I drove to Mississauga in early May to pick up the puppy with a wad of cash on us. Since it was still COVID, the puppies were in a plastic bin in this random guy’s garage (though his house was VERY fancy). He had the proof of vaccinations and microchipping, and 3 puppies left. Since we were supposed to have the last pick of the litter, we hadn’t thought about whether we wanted a girl or boy dog. Despite being unable to normally make decisions, I decided which one I wanted right away. A cute boy puppy. We picked him up, and took him back to the car. We had trouble deciding on a name for him, but eventually picked Oliver. Oliver brought us a lot of joy in a dark time. However, it was also a bit stressful as having a new puppy is like having a new baby, and training and taking care of him was a lot of work!
As summer came, lockdown lifted and we were able to do things again with restrictions. We had to wear masks indoors in all public spaces, and physically distance from others (be at least 6m apart). Greg asked me to be his girlfriend, and I happily agreed. I’d accepted my offer to start my master’s program in September, and continued seeing my psychiatrist. I decided to switch to a new antidepressant which was extremely helpful at first, but its effects diminished. My mood went down and I again was uncertain about my future and about doing this program. My one year contract with CAMH ended in August, and I knew that my first semester of school was definitely going to be online. When I found out that second semester was also going to be online, my heart sank. I tried doing online classes, but struggled to pay attention. I felt intensely anxious and depressed during the start of the semester. I had difficulty concentrating, and hated online class. I didn’t feel like I was ready for the rigor of school again.
I went on an amazing one night backpacking/camping trip with Greg one weekend which was a lot of fun. I loved hiking through the woods and being in nature. We then got to spend a night in Kingston and met up with my sister and her boyfriend for dinner.
After tormenting myself for weeks trying to decide if I should stay in school, I made the tough decision to withdraw. My own mental health was terrible, and I wasn’t looking forward to doing the program. I recognized that I need to put on my own oxygen mask first before I’m able to support other people. For years I’ve pushed away my own problems in favour of getting other things done. While this has worked to some degree, it’s left me with few ways to step back and care for my own mental health when I need to. You can’t push aside your own problems to help others without eventually destroying yourself. I could no longer see a future for myself, and knew I needed to make changes.
I got in touch with a career counsellor and committed to doctor appointments and my therapy appointments. I did hard work to work on myself and take care of myself (something I’ve always struggled to do). I realized that taking care of my mental health is essential for me to live a good life and to thrive. I started volunteering for the Reach Out Centre for Kids, and applied to numerous jobs. I started a research assistant position at McMaster University in pediatric mental health. I’ve been using my wounds and turning them into wisdom, giving back how I am able to. I co-led a body image empowering group for girls ages 8-11. I did more volunteer work on the crisis text line. I trialled different medication dosages to find one that worked for me, accepting that it’s okay to need medication for your mental health. I watched the entire series of House and saw more movies. I read more books and spent more time exercising and being outdoors. For the first time I was selfish and did what I needed to do to feel my best. I ignored the part of me that felt like I didn’t deserve it. I noticed an improvement in my own mental health. I shot a video about my experiences with mental health with Burlington MPP Jane McKenna and Natalie, and since have been having discussions with the Ontario Ministry of Education about implementing standardized mental health education in high schools. I spoke at the Ontario legislative assembly advocating for the recognition of Eating Disorders Awareness Week to be a law (and it passed!). I started running long distances to push myself and feel strong, to feel more athletic and take care of my mental health.
A Mind Warrior 