Upon starting my first job in Toronto, I realized how lucky I was to have a paid position in my field. There aren’t many paid research positions, especially in mental health. The first week of work I commuted from Burlington, but was able to move in with my aunt after that.
I know the first few days at any job are kind of all over the place and confusing, but the first few days at CAMH always seem to be extra confusing. During my interview, they had asked me a ton of questions about my skill in patient interaction. I figured that a big part of my job would be interviewing patients (which is something I was really looking forward to). However, after a few days of not knowing what project I was working on, I learned that I was working on a project that hadn’t started recruiting participants yet. It was a multi-site research study implementing evidence-based early psychosis intervention treatment across different sites in Ontario. I enjoyed the underlying meaning of the project, but worried about not getting the patient interaction I desired and believed I needed to get into clinical psychology or medicine.
I was extremely overwhelmed and anxious when I moved to Toronto and started my new job. This is normal for most people, but I felt as though it hit me harder. I wasn’t used to such a big city, and I wasn’t used to feeling so alone. I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to apply to medical school, but decided to throw in an application to three schools: uOttawa, McMaster, and Queen’s. I wanted to have a back up in case I didn’t get into med school, so I also put in an application for the masters of education in counselling psychology program at uOttawa.
At this time I also really longed for my own space, like I had at university. I was grateful to be living with my aunt, but wanted more independence. I spent most of my spare time looking for inexpensive rentals in Toronto (which is not easy by any means). I was hoping I could live with my cousin and her friend, but sadly that fell through. I visited a few places, and was selected to be a roommate at a 2 bedroom plus den apartment on the edge of Liberty Village. I didn’t know my roommates but they seemed nice, and the apartment was affordable. I moved in on October 1st.
Meanwhile, work was daunting. The project I was on was massive, and not going very smoothly. It turns out that trying to make changes in the mental healthcare system is extraordinarily difficult. Most of my job was administrative work, and I worried about not getting the patient interaction I thought I needed. I was fortunate to have very nice coworkers, but the rest of my job felt like it didn’t fit. I regretted my choices and my mood was down.
Furthermore, I wasn’t used to working 9am-5pm and having evenings to myself. Though I’d always dreamed of having this, I found it quite difficult to adjust to. Losing a bit of weight and getting fit was one of my goals, so I spent some time going to GoodLife. Another one of my goals was making friends and trying to meet people. Unfortunately I didn’t click with my roommates in that way, and most of my coworkers lived all over the city. As a result, I felt lonely and unsure of how to make connections. This led me to relying on Hinge to fill my time, as I chatted with various guys and went on dates. I truly did want a boyfriend and I knew that you had to invest time and energy into getting one. I also genuinely enjoyed meeting new people and chatting with them. However, being rejected was really hard. Though it made me happy, it definitely made my mood more tumultuous.
I wasn’t seeing a therapist at this time, and my mental health wasn’t the greatest. I started becoming concerned that the antidepressant I had been on had caused me to gain weight. I also didn’t like the idea of being on it for the rest of my life. Since I wasn’t in school, I figured I could try reducing my dose (along with supervision from a family doctor). This only made my mood more variable and my mental health overall worse.
By December I wanted to quit, as I felt like I was crumbling. I was trying to be active, but unhappy with my body again. I started a pattern of restricting food during the day, and bingeing on crackers and other foods at night. Some nights I ate food in my sleep, and had little recollection of it in the morning. This made me more mad at myself, and further pushed me to restriction. I was also mad at myself because I figured I should be “over” my eating disorder and able to live a normal life. However, on some level I believed that eating would always be a struggle in my life that I would have to manage.
I figured I could use some more support around eating, so I asked my family doctor how long the waitlist was for services in Toronto. When she told me it was over a year, I felt hopeless. Fortunately, CAMH offered 5 free sessions of therapy for employees, so I took advantage of that. I went to my first appointment at the end of December.
Most of my weekends in Toronto were empty. One weekend I ran my first half marathon, which was an exciting feat. Other than that, I had to go home in order to hang out with friends, or invite friends to my place in Toronto. We did have fun going to the bars and enjoying the nightlife. I was grateful to have some connection to them. When they left, I felt down and despondent again. I didn’t feel like I had a lot of support.
It’s also important to note that during this time I was stressed about the fact that I wasn’t volunteering. Many medical school applications like to see volunteer experience on your application, so I did my best to try to get that. Despite how large Toronto is, this wasn’t easy at all. I reached out to different organizations, but didn’t hear anything back, or knew the location was too out of the way for me.
Despite only working at CAMH for 3 months, I was truly questioning whether I wanted to work in healthcare. From what I’d seen, everything was underfunded, everyone was stressed, and people and families had trouble accessing care. I couldn’t escape these feelings and realities, and this made my mood even worse. I desperately felt like I needed another option, a way out of healthcare. I had thought of doing consulting, but knew it was hard to break into the field of business without any business knowledge. I applied to the 4 month Graduate Diploma in Business program at Queen’s, hoping I could learn different skills and meet new people while I lived in Kingston. I was accepted to the program, and looked forward to going. The only thing I was wary of was the high price tag.
I enjoyed being around my extended family during the holidays that year. I’d organized another trip to Mont Tremblant with friends from home. We spent New Year’s partying and had a lot of fun skiing during the week off. It felt so good to be surrounded by friends and people who cared about me. My mood was boosted a lot and I was grateful to have some time off.
2020 was a new year, and I was looking forward to focusing on improving my mood and taking care of myself. I did a Jack Talk at the University of Toronto which meant a lot to me, as UofT students have been known to struggle with their mental health and accessing mental health services. I applied to be a crisis responder for the Crisis Text Line powered by Kids Help Phone, and got the position. I was seeing a therapist covered by CAMH, and feeling overall a lot better. I had the opportunity to present my poetry at a fundraiser for the National Eating Disorders Information Centre (NEDIC) in Toronto. Being able to share 3 of my poems was empowering and a wonderful experience.
I had the opportunity to ski out west for the first time in February with my friend Greg and his friend Phil. We spent some time in Calgary, then skied in Banff for 3 days. The mountains were breathtaking and the skiing was awesome. I had a fantastic trip, and realized that although Greg was my friend, I still had a crush on him. I’d asked him if he wanted to try dating the summer before, and he didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship. I respected this, and did everything I could to meet other guys and move on. However, after the trip to Tremblant and this trip to Banff, I knew I had to ask him one more time. One last shot. After going home from a party one weekend, I texted him expressing how I felt, and wondering if he was willing to give it a chance. Though he was still hesitant, he agreed to go on a date with me. I was nervous, but very excited.
Our first date was at the Toronto Zoo at their winter lights show. I was nervous but looking forward to spending time with him. It was chilly, but the lights were cool and we had a good time. Afterwards, we went out for drinks and food at a German Bierhalle near my apartment. Following that we went back to my apartment and ironically watched Friends before having our first kiss.
A Mind Warrior 