The Summer After Fourth Year

I struggled with what to do during the summer after fourth year. I considered doing a free program in Quebec where I could learn French, and applied to work at Starbucks. Ultimately, I decided to study for the MCAT and volunteer. Seeing fellow students getting into grad programs and professional schools made me feel pretty bad during this time. I beat myself up for not applying to anything and not getting into med school.

I struggled with what to apply to and what to do next. Did I want to do medicine or clinical psychology? That question tumbled over and over in my brain endlessly. I read books to try to see which I leaned more towards. Meanwhile, my own mental health wasn’t great and I struggled to motivate myself to study for the MCAT. I was definitely feeling burnt out. I continued seeing a psychologist to try to sort out my brain. I was proud of graduating, but upset I didn’t do the best in my program. I was upset that others were doing grad school/professional school and I wasn’t. Self criticism consumed me. I didn’t feel as good as I thought I would after graduating. I was grateful to be done with school stress for a bit.

I also had to decide what I was going to do for the next year. Decisions stress me out a lot and I definitely overthink them, so I agonized over this decision too. I was offered a job at CAMH in Toronto in early psychosis research, or I could do volunteer work in anxiety/perinatal anxiety at St. Joseph’s while working a part time job. Part of me wanted to get out of Hamilton and earn some money, so I decided to take the CAMH position.

At the end of the summer, I wrote my MCAT, feeling as though I had failed it. I beat myself up a lot for this too. It’s basically a full day exam and it’s exhausting. They check your ID multiple times to ensure you aren’t cheating. It’s a lot. I later found out that I didn’t do too bad on it, that I meet the minimum requirements to apply to all of the programs I was interested in.

I also became a Jack Talks Speaker for jack.org over the summer. It’s a mental health awareness organization run by youth who are trying to end the stigma around mental health. Jack Talks speakers are trained to give 1 hour presentations about the basics of mental health, how you can take care of yourself, and how you can be there for someone who is struggling. It also enables speakers to talk about personal experiences and share their stories, which I was grateful to have the chance to do.