I was connected with a psychologist and started taking the antidepressants. I was extremely fortunate that the antidepressant seemed to work fairly quickly. It definitely numbed my thoughts and made living more bearable. I remember getting some strange side effects, like a tingly nose and feeling very fatigued. My dad watched me at home, and my mom ended up taking me with her and my aunt to her conference in San Diego.
Growing up, I’ve always loved traveling. I loved the excitement of being in an airport, getting on a plane, and looking forward to experiencing something new. When I went to the airport for this trip, I felt none of that. I recognized this and this made me even more sad, I was scared my brain was going to be messed up forever. On the flight there I had dreams idealizing going back to Western. It wasn’t that bad, my attitude was. I could go back and pick up where I left off. My brain had completely flipped on me.
I remember using the exercise room in the hotel in San Diego and weighing myself to ensure nothing had changed. I remember walking around the city and the conference as well. I remember shopping at Victoria’s Secret, even though I didn’t want to. It didn’t make sense to buy new things if I couldn’t imagine living, but my boobs had shrunk and none of my bras fit. My mom bought them anyways.
I also remember waiting in line to go to the top donut shop in San Diego. They sold specialty donuts (something that wasn’t yet popular in Toronto). We went to the waterfront to sit down and eat them, slicing them into pieces so we could have bites of each. At the time, donuts were a forbidden food. I had cut them out in my quest to lose weight. I don’t remember how much of the donuts I actually ate (but I can fairly assume it wasn’t much). I remember the feeling of horror after eating them. I was freaking out, terrified that I’d gain weight. I remember desperately trying to find a bathroom, because I wanted to puke up what I had just eaten. I had never really puked before other than when I was drunk, and felt strange about doing it in a public bathroom. I’m pretty sure my mom and aunt found me in the bathroom and I knew I couldn’t do it.
I don’t remember much else about that trip, but I remember the dread of waking up the morning we had to fly back home. I was despondent and in denial. I spoke with my mom on the plane about how I couldn’t go on, I couldn’t forgive myself for being so stupid and not eating. I couldn’t live with the guilt. She had to talk me down most of the plane ride home, and I probably freaked out the stranger sitting next to me.
When we got home, it was clear that I still needed to be closely monitored and watched. My mom had a connection with a psychiatrist in the anxiety treatment and research centre at St. Joseph’s West 5th in Hamilton, ON. Since I was still experiencing debilitating worry and anxiety, I was able to get a consultation with her relatively quickly. I remember the day my parents took me to that appointment, and how the hospital looked very beautiful. It was newly built. I sat in their waiting room, so nervous I was unable to sit still. I remember going in and chatting with the psychiatrist and her student as they asked me numerous questions. She was extremely nice, caring, and understanding. She mentioned that even she was thinking of taking a year off to do something different, as life wasn’t all about academics and work. Unfortunately, I wasn’t followed by her because it was determined that I didn’t have a primary anxiety disorder. I had major depression and “eating disorder not otherwise specified”.
Since moving back home I had gained a few pounds, but then stagnated. In my mind I was eating healthily, and though part of me knew I was underweight, part of me was terrified of gaining weight. I loosened up my food rules a bit, and believed I was more or less fine. The truth was I was still being very restrictive, and not giving my body the nourishment it needed.
My dad ended up taking me to his office with him. He only worked with one other person, so this was quite feasible. To pass the time, I read various books and “pretend studied”. I also tried to start looking at what I could be doing for school the following year. This brought up a lot of stress and anxiety in me. I was helping my aunt create a recipe book to honour my nana, and spent time doing that as well. It took a long time to put together as it incorporated many pictures. I was also fortunate enough that my aunt worked at the Arthritis Society, and they needed a volunteer. I started going in to help out.
I didn’t talk to any of my friends, I was ashamed, lost, and alone. In December I started working back at the grocery store I worked at earlier that year, and it was extremely difficult. I hated being on cash because if I didn’t have a customer, my mind was ruminating about negative things and about how stupid I was. Luckily, I was able to help the grocery department with restocking shelves. I was embarrassed to be back there looking the way I did. A few people asked me if I had lost weight, and all I said was yes. I didn’t know how to respond, or what to say to people. I also went to my cousin Chelsea’s birthday party and knew how strange and different I was. I only allowed myself to have a bite of a cupcake and felt terrible after.
I remember my 18th birthday, definitely not wanting any sort of cake. I could care less that I was older, because frankly, I had no interest in living still. I was still overcome with shame and guilt. I was able to have a lot of friends over for a party, as many of them were back from university. All I can remember from that is that I drank way too much. My friend made me an amazing scrapbook that brought me to tears. It contained photos of me and my friends and family over the years, and in the back were kind messages from my friends. Those messages meant the world to me, and I still go back and read them to this day. They all had faith and believed in me when I certainly didn’t believe in myself.
For New Years my family went to Blue Mountain to ski. I was sad because even skiing wasn’t as much fun as it had been in the past, and I definitely got colder faster. The most notable part of that trip was when we were playing a game downstairs and I laughed. It was the first time I had really laughed in a very long time. I was still very sick, but happy to see small bits of myself poking through.
I continued reading, seeing a psychologist (which I didn’t think was helping much), and signed up for a business course in the New Year. I’d been reading about neuroscience and pharmacology and found it very interesting. I had the belief that I would possibly go into a life sciences program, and knew that I would need to take high school physics. I signed up for online Grade 11 physics, and started a continuing education course through McMaster University in business administration. I was terrified that being out of school I’d lose my academic aptitude forever. Going to the business class was strange, I drove to Hamilton and was in a class with many older people. Many had jobs and were just trying to boost their credentials. I was inspired by all of these older people furthering their education.
During this time I was becoming a bit more responsive with my phone, and started applying for volunteering positions and part time jobs. I also had a lot of informational interviews with people in different careers. I felt lost about what I was doing, but knew that returning to Brescia to study food and nutrition was likely not the best idea.
I felt quite lonely, but was grateful to have the support of my childhood friend Zoe. She had decided to withdraw from the pre-nursing program she was in, and went out of her way to spend time with me and do things with me. I know I was not fun to be around during this time, but she supported me no matter what. I also visited my friend Nina at Laurier. She was doing first year health sciences, and I helped her with math. The fact that I could still be helpful gave me a huge confidence boost, and I had more belief that I hadn’t completely ruined my brain.
One of the books I read during this time was “All Fall Down” by Jennifer Weiner. I’m not exactly sure how I came across this book, but it truly changed my life. The book is about a regular suburban mom who becomes addicted to Oxycontin. She ends up using more and more to cope with the stresses of life, and ends up in rehab. She rebuilds herself, and eventually gets better. This book made me realize that mental illness can affect anyone, and that it’s not someone’s fault for developing it. It reinforced that you can’t change the past, you can’t undo mistakes, but you can change moving forward. I still felt horrible about what had happened at Western, and was still convinced that it was all my fault. However, part of me knew that I still struggled with food, and that I could reach out for help and hopefully get better like the lady in the book did. This inspired me to want to be referred to the eating disorders program.
In early March, I came to a conclusion that the medication I was on wasn’t working well. I still felt anxious and down, and didn’t like how uppity it sometimes made me feel. I went to my family doctor who prescribed a different antidepressant, which ended up working better for me. At this time I still often felt cold, and my hair was still dry and brittle.
In March I went to Mont Tremblant to ski with my family, and was actually able to enjoy it a bit and have some fun. Some guys I had met the previous year on my graduation Tremblant trip with my friends ended up being there at the same time. They were inspired by the trip I organized, and decided to organize a graduation trip with their own friends. I hung out with them some evenings and enjoyed socializing with them.
Meanwhile, the business course was extremely stressful for me. I remember crying after writing a test because I believed I had failed it, then being upset because I got an 80-something on it. I also had a very stressful group project that just didn’t seem to be going well. I had applied to life sciences at McMaster and Guelph, but was told that before they accepted me, they needed to know the mark I got in this course. Considering my high school GPA was 98%, this was ridiculous. I became delusional, fearing that I wouldn’t do well in this course and that I wouldn’t be able to get into university. I dropped the course, but still technically finished it. I ended up getting 100% on that stressful project.
By the end of March, I’d been trying to get a part time job for a few months, and I really wanted to work at Starbucks. I’d applied earlier in the year, but hadn’t heard anything back. I ended up dropping off notes for the store managers, and was able to get an interview at a Starbucks near my house. Believe it or not, they have a two-step interview process for hiring baristas! I had an interview with my future store manager, as well as another store manager in the district. The interviews went well, and I ended up getting the job. Working at Starbucks was extremely hard, but exciting. I enjoyed the challenge and loved the coffee.
In March I also started volunteering at Hamilton General Hospital, as I had an interest in working in healthcare. I helped patients on floor 8 fill out their meal forms, and submitted them on their behalf. I enjoyed being able to help others who were sick and suffering. I also became an operating room waiting room attendant. I answered the phone, helped individuals who were waiting for a loved one in surgery, and gave people messages. I was inspired by people’s resilience and the magic that the doctors did. I liked being able to support people in their time of need.
I finished Gr. 11 physics with a high-90. I immediately signed up for online Gr. 12 physics, and was accepted to McMaster for Life Sciences. I looked forward to going there for school. I spent the next few months working part time at Starbucks, doing physics, and preparing myself for what lay ahead.
Becoming a barista boosted my confidence and self worth in ways I will never forget. I was able to develop new skills and excel at something that wasn’t academic. Working there saved my life, it helped me to feel better about myself and to overall get better. I developed a passion for excellent customer service.
When I had a referral put in to go to the eating disorders clinic, I was informed that the waitlist was about 6 months. This hurt me, as I was hoping I could get help straightaway. I didn’t like the psychologist I had been seeing too much, and felt like I wasn’t making much progress. Luckily, the intern psychologist in the eating disorders program did some private practice appointments on the side. She agreed to meet with me and give me therapy before I could officially get into the program. My eating was still restricted, and I continued to exercise regularly along with working a physically demanding job. I enjoyed speaking with her and felt like she truly listened to me.
Eventually, I finished Gr. 12 physics with a low-90. I was a bit disappointed by my performance but was happy to be done with it. The summer before I started school at McMaster, I organized a trip to Vancouver with three of my friends. I was also able to have a pretty good time on this trip, though I was still restricted in my eating and more down than usual. We did the typical touristy things including visiting Stanley Park and the Vancouver Aquarium. We went to Whistler one day and took a chairlift up the mountain. We also took a day trip to Seattle, where we went to the first Starbucks store as well as the Starbucks Reserve and Roastery. It looked very cool, with coffee beans moving through clear tubes that went up to the ceiling. I also was able to visit my cousin Taryn who had moved out there. Overall, I had a good trip in Vancouver, but could tell I still wasn’t acting like myself.
I attended orientation for the outpatient eating disorders program mid-August. Attending this orientation was a life-changing moment for me. While I was reading through the information and doing their surveys, I felt as though someone understood what I was going through, and that my problems were real, legitimate problems. I found out that I could work with the psychologist I had been seeing privately in their transitions program, and I was eager to start in September.
A Mind Warrior 