At the end of August, I moved into residence at McMaster University to start my undergraduate degree in Life Sciences. The morning I was supposed to move in, my mother sat down at our family table with me. She said, “So, are you going to eat this year?” I was mortified. By then I knew that my issues constituted a real mental illness, that not eating wasn’t a choice. This comment hurt me deep within, and I just couldn’t wait to move out.
I was nervous to move into residence at McMaster, but was more confident in my abilities to survive and do well. As we drove up to my residence building, we saw many students dressed in bright coloured pants and cheering and chanting. As I stepped out of the car, they cheered for me, and then helped me take all of my stuff up to my room. My residence room was apartment style, so I had my own room and 3 roommates. I shared a bathroom with one girl, and we had a small living room and kitchen. I unpacked my things and mentally prepared myself for Welcome Week (aka Frosh Week).
I’m grateful I was able to have a lot of fun during this week. I met a lot of new people, and being older made me feel more mature and prepared for what was ahead of me. I enjoyed getting to know my roommates, and doing the various activities they set up for us during the week. Everyone at McMaster seemed to be very kind and caring, I definitely sensed a different vibe compared to where I had been before. I threw myself into the activities and partying and got myself used to my new environment. Throughout all of this I was still struggling with my mental health and was underweight, but I was looking forward to my future rather than dreading it. I also enjoyed moving out of my parents’ house and having more independence.
As I started first year, I started outpatient eating disorders treatment at St. Joseph’s. For the first 5 weeks my appointments occurred twice per week, where I had a 45 minute bus ride to the hospital and back to campus. I threw myself into my schoolwork and recovery simultaneously. When I reflect on this time in my life, I have no idea how I was able to handle the stresses of recovery and school. However, I know that school motivated me to want to recover. I didn’t want to have to withdraw from school again due to my issues with food. I also believe the support and validation I received from the therapist I was working with was critical. I also received support from a nurse practitioner and a dietitian. They validated my concerns, and used research and scientific knowledge to help me shift my perspectives on food and exercise. Before meeting them, I was convinced that grains were evil, and that junk food was always bad. I believed that I could decide what I wanted my weight to be. They helped me develop a good meal plan and encouraged me to keep nourishing myself. My therapist was also with me when I had to do my weekly weigh-in. It was still stressful, but having her support as I gained weight was crucial.
Meanwhile, school was stressful, but it kept me busy. I didn’t really work out the entire semester because I always had so much schoolwork to do. Also, once I started eating more, my hunger ramped up voraciously. This combined with support from the hospital enabled me to gain weight. However, gaining weight was not easy at all. I remember crying a lot, but knowing that I couldn’t focus on it too much because I had schoolwork to do. I wrote a lot of poetry and developed a crush on a guy I knew. I was still anxious and nervous about school, but had more confidence than when I was at Western. I made friends, including some international exchange students who were really fun to be around. I learned about what it’s like to live in England, Australia, Holland, and New Zealand. I even invited them to Thanksgiving dinner!
Making friends and connections with others was a big help in getting better. I enjoyed the residence environment I lived in and being around different people. I made a lot of study buddies! School consumed me and stressed me out a lot, but it was better to be consumed by school than to be consumed by my eating disorder. I also was getting good grades in school, which helped boost my self esteem. I hadn’t lost my work ethic or my academic aptitude. Volunteering also greatly boosted my self esteem. I volunteered at McMaster Children’s Hospital in the elementary school room helping kids with their homework once a week. It made me feel useful and purposeful, and I was inspired by the kids I met.
I started hanging out with a guy who promptly ghosted me, so that was hard for me to cope with. I couldn’t do much on my 19th birthday because I had an exam the following day, but I was able to go to the LCBO and buy some things. I remember enjoying the holidays a lot more than I had my previous year, and my family was happy to see that I looked healthier and happier. As my weight increased I became more uncomfortable, but tried to trust in my treatment team.
A Mind Warrior 