Though I was feeling better, second semester was also a battle. I had to pick a thesis supervisor, and again worried about doing well in my courses. I was also hoping to get a research job in mental health in the summer, a very difficult task. My weight was higher than it had ever been, and this made my mood even lower. I ended up getting a clinical psychologist to be my supervisor, doing my thesis on insomnia. I emailed several people inquiring about research jobs for the summer, but most replied saying they didn’t have any available. One clinician-scientist from CAMH emailed me back, and I got a position in his neuroscience lab for the summer. I looked forward to this opportunity (and to have my weekends off in the summer).
Coping with my weight was an intense struggle. I hated my body intensely, but didn’t have time to do anything about it. My roommate Diana spent all her time with her boyfriend, which made me feel isolated. I could also sense that Henry was becoming much more distant from me. I was disgusted by the pictures I saw of myself at a formal that year. Overall, my mood wasn’t great.
I also knew Henry had been acting weird, and made the decision to ask him about it. I knew he was stressed about school and finding a job. However, when we chatted (a week before my first exam) he broke up with me. I wasn’t really expecting this, and my heart shattered. It’s one thing to be broken up with when you’re emotionally okay, it’s another thing to be broken up with when you’re depressed. My world spiralled and I was angry. He knew how much school meant to me, and now I wasn’t sure if I could survive my exams. I blamed myself for being a bad girlfriend, for not being with him enough. I blamed my weight gain. I felt a horrible sense of rejection and loss. I obsessively reflected on our relationship and where I’d gone wrong, and struggled to stop thinking about him. A year before I studied with him all of exam season. Now I was scared to see him in the library.
Needless to say, my anxiety and low mood was off the charts. Brianne was my guardian angel who studied with me and helped me through it. I often started crying when studying, but luckily we were in private study rooms. I also had times when I woke up insanely anxious. One morning my roommate asked me if I had Xanax to calm me down. I felt numb and desolate. I struggled to force myself to study. I watched a lot of New Girl. Again by some miracle, my lowest mark that semester was an A-. Clearly I’m capable of excelling academically even when my brain barely functions emotionally.
A Mind Warrior 