I really enjoyed being a rep for Welcome Week and had a lot of fun. I had trouble tolerating the weight gain, and my mood still wasn’t great. I also became stressed about school very quickly. I was also stressed about having enough time to spend with my boyfriend along with my volunteering and tour guiding. I’d also started a research placement at an addictions lab at St. Joseph’s (which happened to be located extremely close to the eating disorders clinic). I was excited for this but stressed about the added time I’d have to spend commuting there.
On top of all this, I spoke with my psychiatrist and decided to try switching to a different antidepressant at the end of September. Quickly, my mood dipped to the lowest it had ever been.
My memory and concentration worsened. I had little to no energy. I had trouble seeing a point in life and felt like I was doomed. I woke up each day filled with dread. I felt unsupported and unsafe in a house with few people I knew, and a friend who was struggling with depression herself. Everything became extremely difficult, and my grades took an initial hit. I did poorly on midterms I’d written. I had trouble explaining any of this to Henry. I cut back on volunteering and tour guiding and did my best to make it through each day. My mom often visited me and picked me up from my research placement. I cried a lot to her. I started noticing a correlation between my mood and my hunger, so I ate more. I also cared less about what I was eating. I quickly started taking my old medication again and my psychiatrist doubled the dose. Very slowly things got better, but I was terrified of failing school. I was terrified of not doing well and ruining everything I’d worked so hard for. I almost broke into tears in class. I considered taking a break from school, but was encouraged to just try my best. As the semester ended, I began feeling a bit better. I tried taking an antipsychotic to boost my antidepressant, but this just made me feel weird. I also didn’t want to be on antipsychotics (they’ve been linked to weight gain). I’d been supported by the eating disorders clinic throughout the semester and was grateful to have access to free therapy. My lowest grade that semester ended up being an A-. How I was able to pull this off, I have no clue. I was grateful to have a break over the holidays.
During the break I was able to visit Henry at his home in Bracebridge. I loved all of the snow they had, and was able to try snowshoeing. I felt more comfortable going to his home this time and genuinely enjoyed the break. I liked how close knit his community was and how they prioritized outdoor activities.
A Mind Warrior 