Second semester was smoother because I now had two friends in my program: Brianne and Luke. I sat with them in a lot of our classes and was grateful to feel more connected. One of my courses involved doing some work in a neuroscience lab, and I was grateful for the experience. I finally had more time to exercise, and I took advantage of that. My goal was to be healthy and lose a bit of weight.
During reading week I went skiing with guys I had met at Tremblant earlier. We had a lot of fun, but I was stressed about eating and drinking too much during the week.
By the end of February my mood was starting to dip, and I was aware that I had lost weight. I was happy that I’d lost a bit of weight, but miserable otherwise. I was also scared of gaining weight again. Perfectionism consumed me and I was constantly stressed about school. I became more self critical and self punishing, especially when I didn’t do as well as I’d wanted to do on tests. I relentlessly compared myself to others in my program and believed they were all doing so much better than me. This also made me wary of making lots of friends in my program.
I had the opportunity to help with a bead looming activity on the pediatric eating disorders unit, and I took it. I enjoyed helping the children suffering from eating disorders do something that distracted them, and tried to boost their mood. I admired their strength and felt bad for what they had to face at such a young age. I continued doing this until the end of fourth year.
The one silver lining is that I had more of a social life since I was connected to Brianne and Luke. At the beginning of March I went to Luke’s roommate’s birthday party. I had a lot of fun, and met a guy there named Henry, who happened to be Luke’s roommate in first year. I had a crush on him from the moment I saw him, and chatted with him for a bit. He grew up in Bracebridge, which also happened to be where I went to summer camp as a kid. He was in engineering physics, a program that perplexed me, but I knew it meant he had to be smart. We exchanged numbers and texted a lot. (My friend Diana was also at the party that night and met Henry’s roommate, Mitchell. They also hit it off!) I can’t remember who asked who out on the first date, but I remember Henry and I got coffee at Starbucks. The more we hung out the more I realized I really liked him. Hanging out with him stressed me out because I knew it meant having less time for school, but I was really excited that I might soon be in my first relationship. We hung out quite a bit for the rest of the semester at our student houses and at the library, as he was also very devoted to his studies. I continued to be stressed about school and could tell that my own mental health wasn’t great, but I really liked Henry and wanted to date him. In many ways Henry boosted my mental health as well, it was cool having someone care about me romantically, especially when I’d considered myself to be gross and unlovable in the past.
Towards the end of the semester, I found out that I made the cut and was going to be a representative for the Faculty of Science for Welcome Week the following year. That made me feel very excited and accomplished. At the end of the semester, I was going to be moving back to Burlington to work at Starbucks, and Henry was going to be moving back to Bracebridge to work there. I was sad we were going to be apart, but he asked me to be his girlfriend before we moved away. I happily said yes.
I moved home and started working at Starbucks, and prepped myself for my trip to India. I was taking part in a Me to We Volunteer trip to India for just over 3 weeks, where I’d be immersed in the culture and help build a school. Upon moving home, I could tell that my parents were worried about me. I’d lost some weight again and was exercising more. I noticed that my eating had become more stringent, but again was scared to gain weight. I had an amazing trip in India, where I became more grateful for the luxuries we have. The trip was difficult with the long travel, extreme heat, and extreme working conditions. I struggled with my eating disorder while on this trip, but did my best to take care of myself. I became very close with the group of people I went with, and shared my story with them. They were very supportive and understanding. It was definitely a life-altering trip.
When I returned home, my parents were not pleased with what they saw. Though I wasn’t as emaciated as I’d been in the past, I’d lost a significant amount of weight and wasn’t acting like my normal self. I was scared and ashamed of what had happened, but quickly reached out to the eating disorders clinic again. They welcomed me back, and I was able to start seeing the dietitian, nurse practitioner, and psychologist there again.
Meanwhile, I had no idea how to explain any of this to Henry as I had told him I was past my eating disorder. I was also scared he would think I was crazy and break up with me if I opened up to him. I was supposed to visit him in Bracebridge for Canada Day weekend, but was horribly anxious. I was mentally sick and unsure if I should go. I ended up going and had a pretty good time. I tried to act as “normal” as possible. I enjoyed meeting his family as well.
The rest of the summer passed as I was once again focused on weight restoration and improving my mood. I was scared of starting third year when I knew I was struggling a lot, but pushed on. I made the decision to turn down the opportunity to be an undergrad Teaching Assistant for first year psychology. It was a very tough decision, but I’m glad I did it in the end. After the drama that had occurred in my first student house, with the guy dating the first year in the house while the ex-girlfriend lived upstairs, I had a feeling I needed to move out. I’d supported the ex-girlfriend as her mental health deteriorated (despite the fact she wasn’t super nice to me in high school) and didn’t want to risk a couple breaking up again. I moved into a house with my friend Diana with 5 others we didn’t know.
A Mind Warrior 