The summer after high school went by very quickly. I was working as a cashier at Denninger’s, and trying to enjoy myself after successfully graduating high school. I no longer had to stress about grades and devote a good chunk of time to school, so that focus and obsession turned to food and exercise. I focused on eating less and exercising more. I also developed an interest in partying, and developed a crush on my friend’s friend. I was obsessed with this boy, and my weight loss plan. I tried to avoid thinking about university and moving away because it all made me too sad.
I went to the nurse practitioner because my irregular periods had gotten even more irregular, and I was really tired of its volatility. I hadn’t had it in a few months, so she prescribed me birth control to try to regulate it. I was completely unaware that birth control can seriously affect your mood and well-being.
I remember eating as much salad and low calorie options as I possibly could. I don’t think I ate dinner at home once, and was lying about eating dinner at friends’ houses or going out for meals with friends. I tried to go to the gym as often as I could, and didn’t allow myself to eat any desserts or treats. At my mom’s birthday party I didn’t want to have any cake. I also remember going on a walk with some friends in the middle of a party, and many people went to McDonald’s to get drunk food. I knew there was nothing at McDonald’s I could eat, so I went to Tim Horton’s. After staring at the menu and baked goods for a long time, I concluded that the only thing I could get was tea. Everything else had too many calories or carbs and would thwart my goal.
I started drinking more coffee at this time as well. I drank regular coffee with a bit of non-fat milk, because I didn’t want to eat too much sugar, and believed all added sugar was bad. I don’t remember whether I liked it, or if I just knew that it would give me energy and suppress my appetite.
My family went on an all-inclusive vacation to Costa Rica during the summer as well, bringing along my best friend Sara. I remember taking pictures in a bikini top and being proud of how I looked, but still hating my legs and stomach and thinking I needed to lose more weight. My dad commented on how I looked, commending me for exercising more and looking good. It was clear that I wasn’t my normal self on this trip. I was obsessed with the boy back home, and obsessed with meeting boys at the resort. The buffets freaked me out, and I did my best to load up on vegetables and avoid dessert. I enjoyed drinking, but remember being so cold one night after drinking that I had to sit down and put a sweater on-in hot, humid Costa Rica. I also remember feeling incredibly sad, and having trouble falling asleep.
As the end of the summer neared, my anxiety and sadness skyrocketed. I had a summer fling with a boy who was going to school 7 hours away from me. This was the first person who’d ever shown a romantic interest in me, and I was having trouble letting it go. I had my first kiss with him, and remember crying with friends from high school as we realized this phase of our life was over. My best friend was going to Queen’s (5 hours away from where I was going). I was extremely scared to go to school, but just figured I had to do it. I also noticed that I felt a lot more sad than usual. I remember crying after a soccer game, not knowing why I suddenly burst into tears. My mom spoke to me, but I could kind of sense that something was really off for me. Reluctantly, I packed my things to move into residence, and went out for dinner with my family one last time.
Reflecting on a picture taken at dinner that night, it’s clear that I had lost weight since the beginning of the summer. I was extremely happy with what I had accomplished, and terrified of gaining the weight back. I was absolutely terrified of gaining the “Freshman 15”. I didn’t know how I could maintain my exercise and food habits and excel in school.
A Mind Warrior 