I was terrified of going to high school. So terrified, I cried the night before, laying in my bed wondering what it would be like. Would I do well in school? Will I adapt? Will I get beaten up? Most of my friends from elementary school were going to the same school as me, so that should have given me some comfort, but it didn’t really.
Fortunately, I survived the transition. I was scared and nervous about school, and terrified of exams, but I was able to do them and to do well. I didn’t really join any clubs or activities because I was worried about my academics for most of the year. I did try out for the soccer team, but sadly didn’t make it. I was adjusting to my new environment, and trying to get used to my new normal. In my free time I hung out with friends, where we watched movies and played MarioKart. I wasn’t interested in drinking, drugs, or partying, partially because I was scared of the effect they’d have on me.
Transitioning to Gr. 10 was much smoother. I had the highest average of all the kids in Gr. 9, and was proud of my accomplishment. I enrolled in pre-advanced placement (AP) classes for some subjects in Gr. 10. I was scared for those as well, but felt like I should give them a try. I also became more involved in school as I participated in field hockey and soccer. I excelled in my Gr. 10 gym class, and tried to survive the drama and politics of high school. I placed more pressure on myself to do better, and to get higher marks than I had received in Gr. 9. I continued to hang out with my friends on weekends and play MarioKart. I definitely had bad test anxiety, having trouble falling asleep the night before tests. I also hated essays and other projects because they were hard to perfect. When it came time to select courses for Gr. 11, I was nervous and uncertain. I had no idea what path I wanted to head down, or what I wanted to be in the future. In my careers class I researched being a dietitian and an accountant. I had interests in business and science, so I decided to try both of those subjects. However, I wasn’t a huge fan of physics, and it scared me. I believe that at the time I didn’t think I would do well in it, and the physics teacher at my school intimidated me. I decided that I didn’t want to take it. I also decided to drop pre-AP classes. I didn’t want to devote my entire life to school, I wanted a balance of school and other activities, and to do well so I could get into a good university.
Gr. 11 marked the beginning of a lot of changes for me. I had received the overall second highest average in my Gr. 10 class, and was a bit upset at myself for this. However, my best friend Sara ended up getting the highest average. While I was initially jealous and mad, I was proud of her because she worked really hard and deserved to come first.
In Gr. 11 I got my first part-time job as a cashier at Denninger’s, a German family-owned specialty grocery store in my city. My other cousins had started working at that time, and my other friends had been working as well, so I felt like I should get a job too. School and my activities were a full-time job in and of themselves, but I pushed myself to work. It was at this time that I realized that life didn’t have a lot of free time. I felt guilty about doing nothing, and felt like there was always something I should be doing. I pushed myself to get even higher grades in Gr. 11, and was upset whenever I got anything wrong on my tests (even if the overall grade was fantastic). I enjoyed working, and learned a lot about the real world interacting with disgruntled customers. I enjoyed the “female fun fit” class I took, where we’d do various fitness activities, including playing around at GoodLife. I’d always been athletic and never thought too much about my body. People started thinking about university, but I tried to avoid that at all costs. I had no idea what I wanted to do, and struggled to think about the future. I was really terrified.
The summer after Gr. 11, I went on a month long trip across Europe with my best friend so we could get our Gr. 12 English credit. With about 40 other students and teachers, we traveled to England, France, Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Italy and Spain. It was a lot of travel, and stressful trying to do schoolwork, but we had a great time. I remember getting an 89% on the essay we handed in at the beginning of the trip, and feeling quite upset with myself. I didn’t want to do anything, and felt like I didn’t deserve to have fun. Luckily, my friend convinced me it was fine, and I was able to enjoy a fun night in Paris. I definitely felt anxious throughout the trip, and some nights it was hard for me to breathe and I had trouble sleeping. I was happy when the trip was over, and I got 91% in the course. Though I enjoyed myself, I was very stressed. On the plane ride back, my life changed forever. For whatever reason, I noticed that my stomach seemed bigger, and I was a bit nervous about it. I didn’t want to gain weight. My fears were confirmed when I came home and noticed a lot of my clothes were tighter. I determined that this was unacceptable, I’d eaten too much on my trip. I started to hate my body, and make changes so that I could lose the evil weight I had gained.
However, Gr. 12 quickly started. I had my part-time job, was on the field hockey and soccer teams, joined student council, took violin lessons and volunteered at my church weekly. I had wanted to quit my job at the beginning of Gr. 12, but my parents encouraged me to continue working. I was busy most of the time, and had little spare time to relax. I also had to prepare myself to apply to university, and I felt very lost. I didn’t know what I wanted to be, or what I wanted to study. I felt like I didn’t have time to visit universities. I found out that my Gr. 11 average was the highest in my class, at a staggering 98%. I remember them announcing that number at the awards ceremony, and the mixed feeling of embarrassment and pride I felt. I felt accomplished and like a freak at the same time. Despite my achievements, I still felt lost as to what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t think I’d do well in university science, and was scared of having to do labs in a larger setting. I also had no intention of being a doctor (after witnessing my own mother work extremely hard as one), so I felt like a science degree didn’t make sense. I ended up applying to a bunch of business programs, and the food and nutrition program at Western.
My interest in food and nutrition blossomed during this year as I endeavoured to lose weight (even though my BMI was completely normal). My hate for my body grew, and I changed my diet and exercise a bit. I was passionate about changing the obesity epidemic by teaching others about good nutrition. I read the book “Salt, Sugar, Fat” and was appalled by how bad and processed a lot of our food was. I started swapping hot chocolate for tea, avoiding pastries and desserts, and running more. However, I was so busy with school and my other activities that I didn’t have a lot of time to devote to my weight loss goal. As a result, my body didn’t change much.
I was very glad when first semester was over, most of the pressure to excel to get into university was done with. I started drinking alcohol for the first time in Gr. 12, and was amazed at how much it numbed my brain and made me stop thinking about so much stuff. I drank way too much at New Year’s at my friend’s ski chalet in Blue Mountain, and learned a valuable lesson. At that time my friend’s mom mentioned that I should work out with my friend Hailey (who was recovering from an eating disorder), and I took this hard. It confirmed what I believed – I’m overweight. I was drinking very sugary stuff, and unaware that this was probably thwarting my weight loss goals.
By my second semester of Gr. 12, I was tired of having to work so hard all the time. I was tired of feeling burnt out. My issues with sleeping the night before tests vanished because I was sleep deprived all the time. I finally had a spare (a section of class where I didn’t have class) and a “bird course” (Gr. 11 cooking). I enjoyed going on adventures during my spare, usually to Starbucks to feed my growing love of coffee. My friends and I started partying and drinking more on weekends, and I felt as though I still needed to get super high grades to possibly get a scholarship. I was accepted to Laurier and McGill for business, and to Western for food and nutritional sciences with advanced acceptance to Ivey. Ivey is a fancy, expensive business school at Western that allows you to study any subject for the first two years, then do pure business courses in your third and fourth year to earn an Honours Business Administration (HBA) degree. I was rejected by Queen’s business school (for a still unknown reason). I wanted to be far away from home, but not too far away. The Western programs interested me because I could pursue business and science simultaneously. Without really touring any schools, I decided to go there for food and nutrition, and possibly business. I spent the rest of my Gr. 12 year having fun with friends, drinking too much occasionally, and still trying in school.
I remember trying on grad dresses, and feeling really sad because I was unhappy with my size. I truly believed I was fat. I visited a nurse practitioner in the spring because I thought I might have something wrong with my thyroid. I expressed my concerns about my weight to her, and she mentioned that I should avoid eating junk food with my friends. This strengthened my resolve to be better by eating better.
I’d also had a falling out with a friend of mine who said she liked my “womanly body”. She went behind my back and started dating the guy she knew I had a crush on. This definitely hurt me.
I enjoyed the rest of my Gr. 12 year, and avoided thinking about university. By the end I felt burnt out by school, and recognized that perfectionism was a serious issue for me. However, I didn’t know how to change. After having my make up professionally done for grad, I realized that I could be pretty if I tried. Up until now I thought I was an ugly, juvenile nerd. Harsh? Definitely. But it was my reality. I remember feeling happy and proud at my high school graduation, but also sad as this era of my life was ending, and I’d have to adapt to something completely new in the Fall.
A Mind Warrior 