The holidays in 2020 were weird and different. Zoom calls replaced Christmas celebrations, and I celebrated New Years with Greg and Lawrence. Instead of doing things and celebrating, I had a lot of time to chill and not really do anything. I struggled because I’m a natural doer, but challenged myself to do fun random activities and cope with the stillness. I baked a lot of bread, went on walks and runs, played some video games, and played card games and board games with my friends.

I’m still seeing my psychologist, and am now connected to a psychiatrist closer to me. I know that coping with mental health struggles isn’t a quick fix, it takes time and you need to be willing to ask for support when you need it. I’ve accepted that I have to continue doing what it takes to care for myself and prioritize my well being. Honestly, doing this is REALLY hard from someone who is type A and thinks that meditation is a waste of time. I feel guilty about all the money my parents have had to spend on therapy, but know that I wouldn’t be here without it. I’m worried about the future, but am trying to take things day by day. We’re currently in another lockdown due to the pandemic, but vaccines have been approved and I hope we will be able to do more normal things again soon.

After writing this, I’m in awe of how much I’ve been through, while on the outside I was a high achieving, average looking person. I believe there are many people like that in society, and that’s why we need to do a better job of checking in on those close to us. Instead of being scared of mental illness, we need to learn and do our best to support those struggling. I know that life is a journey, and recovery is a journey. I’m finally more self compassionate, more caring towards myself, and more aware of the strength I possess. Instead of feeling like I’m not enough, I actually have a lot of moments where I do feel like I’m enough. Though I’m still hard on myself, I’m working on being more realistic (without being super fluffy). I wish I had taken time to slow down earlier on in my journey, but stigma is pervasive and hindsight is 20/20. In sharing my story I hope to tell others that there is help, getting help is a process, but it does overall get better. Nobody should ever feel ashamed about needing help with their mental health. In fact, early intervention leads to the best outcomes no matter what you’re struggling with!

I love being a mental health advocate, and being there for others when they are struggling. I’ve applied to do accelerated nursing as well as a master’s of psychotherapy starting in the Fall, but haven’t made a decision as to which path I want to take. I also have the opportunity to do the business program online in May. I have a wealth of options, and I’m free to do whatever will work best for me. No matter what career path I take, I know I will be a tireless mental health advocate, pushing for the stigma to be shattered and for care to be improved. I will try to let life lead me where I belong, and be okay with the uncertainty that encompasses being in your 20s. I will use my anxiety and work ethic and channel these into doing good things, rather than destroying myself. I will do my best knowing that setbacks and bad things are bound to happen. I still struggle with all of the injustice I see in the world. The blatant inequality that exists. I become jealous of people who have never severely struggled with their mental health. I get angry at the long waitlists there are to access mental healthcare. I get angry at the high price of seeing private psychologists and psychotherapists, but understand why they do this. I get angry that people with mental illnesses don’t get the same level of support from their community as people with physical illnesses. All I can do is try my best to make a difference and make things better.

“He had said that our lives are steered by uncertainties, many of which are disruptive or even daunting; but that if we persevere and remain generous of heart, we may be granted a moment of supreme lucidity – a moment in which all that has happened to us suddenly comes into focus as a necessary course of events, even as we find ourselves on the threshold of a bold new life that we had been meant to lead all along.” – A Gentleman in Moscow

One of the wildest months of the decade. I’d just started volunteering online as a crisis text line volunteer and was getting used to the intensity of it. Things had also gotten a bit better at work, as I was getting more patient interaction, and we were going to be starting recruitment soon. In mid-March, the world changed forever. Months ago we had heard about a virus that was ravaging China, the coronavirus. It seemed like a distant problem. However, as months went on, this deadly virus spread across the world. It was highly transmissible and dangerous for older people and people with pre-existing health conditions. Other countries around the world faced devastating death tolls and had overwhelmed hospitals. Canada went into lockdown in mid-March, where we weren’t allowed to leave our home unless we needed to get essential items from stores. All events and gatherings were automatically cancelled. Travel stopped. The world seemed to pause.

I didn’t want to quarantine with my roommates, so I immediately moved back home. Fortunately, in-person classes were moved online, so my sister moved home as well.

Making decisions about anything in life was extremely difficult. I recognized that my own mental health was suffering, and felt like I needed to do something about my erratic eating habits. Though they weren’t awful, they were causing me distress. I went to the walk-in clinic with a form in my hand to submit a referral to the Credit Valley Eating Disorders program in Mississauga.

When I found out that the in-person business program I was excited to do had shifted to being online, I was distraught. A huge part of why I wanted to do this program was because I wanted to move to a different place and meet different people. That all changed. I wasn’t sure if the program was worth the exorbitant amount of money anymore. I knew I wasn’t a fan of fully online learning. I felt like I needed to prioritize treatment and taking care of myself. I was accepted to uOttawa’s Masters of Education in counselling psychology program. I also was getting online patient interaction and enjoying work a bit more in that respect. After agonizing for weeks, I made the decision to defer the program.

Being in lockdown is crazy. You can’t go to restaurants, bars or clubs. You can’t have gatherings with friends or family. You can’t go to the gym or any community events. Running events are cancelled. You are forced to work from home if possible (something I’d NEVER wanted to do because I like the social aspects of an office). The one thing that has been most helpful for me in my mental health journey has been spending time with friends and family. I’m an extravert, and love being around people. So not only did the lockdown upend my day-to-day life, it worsened my mood, as seeing friends virtually isn’t the same. I’d also started dating Greg, and suddenly we weren’t allowed to see one another.

Needless to say, this was a tough time for everyone, including myself. I struggled adjusting to living with my parents again without being able to go anywhere else (however living in a house during a pandemic beats an apartment any day). This increased my anxiety around food, because I believed they judged me for what I did and didn’t eat. The treatment I’d been looking forward to was no longer offered in person, it was online. The program I was initially supposed to do had a 6 month waitlist, but fortunately I became eligible for the program with a 3 month waitlist. I was able to see my psychologist virtually, though I had to start paying for sessions.

I had to explain to my manager that I needed time off work for mental health reasons. Despite working at a mental health hospital, this was insanely challenging for me to do. I felt weak and like a bad employee. Starting a program virtually was scary and daunting. I was not a fan of the online format, and felt like nobody around me understood why I was doing this. I also didn’t like attending treatment from my bedroom. I felt like the other girls were more sick than I was. Realizing that this was not the time to be doing this, I did it for one month before going back to work. I enjoyed the camaraderie of speaking with people who truly understood me, but knew I could attend other community groups to achieve that. I also felt as though my eating and mood had improved.

One of the best decisions I made during lockdown was to buy a puppy. I’d been looking at rescue websites for a long time, as our family dog that we’d had for 14 years passed away last August. My dad didn’t want another dog, but my sister, my mom and I did. I looked up various breeders, but their waitlists were extremely long. I resorted to Kijiji, where the price of dogs was increasing and few dogs were available. We almost adopted one dog, but realized it was from a puppy mill run by Amish people. I contacted another man who had one dog left. He assured me his cockapoos weren’t from a puppy mill, that his grandparents bred dogs on the side. I decided to take his word for it, and my sister and I put down a $300 deposit on a puppy by sending an e-transfer to a random guy. I fully understood the risk I was taking, and my sister and I were each prepared to lose $150. I wouldn’t allow my sister to act like it was real until we had the puppy in our arms. We surprised our parents with the news (my mom was ecstatic, my dad not too happy), and waited until early May to pick up the puppy.

My mom, sister and I drove to Mississauga in early May to pick up the puppy with a wad of cash on us. Since it was still COVID, the puppies were in a plastic bin in this random guy’s garage (though his house was VERY fancy). He had the proof of vaccinations and microchipping, and 3 puppies left. Since we were supposed to have the last pick of the litter, we hadn’t thought about whether we wanted a girl or boy dog. Despite being unable to normally make decisions, I decided which one I wanted right away. A cute boy puppy. We picked him up, and took him back to the car. We had trouble deciding on a name for him, but eventually picked Oliver. Oliver brought us a lot of joy in a dark time. However, it was also a bit stressful as having a new puppy is like having a new baby, and training and taking care of him was a lot of work!

As summer came, lockdown lifted and we were able to do things again with restrictions. We had to wear masks indoors in all public spaces, and physically distance from others (be at least 6m apart). Greg asked me to be his girlfriend, and I happily agreed. I’d accepted my offer to start my master’s program in September, and continued seeing my psychiatrist. I decided to switch to a new antidepressant which was extremely helpful at first, but its effects diminished. My mood went down and I again was uncertain about my future and about doing this program. My one year contract with CAMH ended in August, and I knew that my first semester of school was definitely going to be online. When I found out that second semester was also going to be online, my heart sank. I tried doing online classes, but struggled to pay attention. I felt intensely anxious and depressed during the start of the semester. I had difficulty concentrating, and hated online class. I didn’t feel like I was ready for the rigor of school again.

I went on an amazing one night backpacking/camping trip with Greg one weekend which was a lot of fun. I loved hiking through the woods and being in nature. We then got to spend a night in Kingston and met up with my sister and her boyfriend for dinner.

After tormenting myself for weeks trying to decide if I should stay in school, I made the tough decision to withdraw. My own mental health was terrible, and I wasn’t looking forward to doing the program. I recognized that I need to put on my own oxygen mask first before I’m able to support other people. For years I’ve pushed away my own problems in favour of getting other things done. While this has worked to some degree, it’s left me with few ways to step back and care for my own mental health when I need to. You can’t push aside your own problems to help others without eventually destroying yourself. I could no longer see a future for myself, and knew I needed to make changes.

I got in touch with a career counsellor and committed to doctor appointments and my therapy appointments. I did hard work to work on myself and take care of myself (something I’ve always struggled to do). I realized that taking care of my mental health is essential for me to live a good life and to thrive. I started volunteering for the Reach Out Centre for Kids, and applied to numerous jobs. I started a research assistant position at McMaster University in pediatric mental health. I’ve been using my wounds and turning them into wisdom, giving back how I am able to. I co-led a body image empowering group for girls ages 8-11. I did more volunteer work on the crisis text line. I trialled different medication dosages to find one that worked for me, accepting that it’s okay to need medication for your mental health. I watched the entire series of House and saw more movies. I read more books and spent more time exercising and being outdoors. For the first time I was selfish and did what I needed to do to feel my best. I ignored the part of me that felt like I didn’t deserve it. I noticed an improvement in my own mental health. I shot a video about my experiences with mental health with Burlington MPP Jane McKenna and Natalie, and since have been having discussions with the Ontario Ministry of Education about implementing standardized mental health education in high schools. I spoke at the Ontario legislative assembly advocating for the recognition of Eating Disorders Awareness Week to be a law (and it passed!). I started running long distances to push myself and feel strong, to feel more athletic and take care of my mental health.

Upon starting my first job in Toronto, I realized how lucky I was to have a paid position in my field. There aren’t many paid research positions, especially in mental health. The first week of work I commuted from Burlington, but was able to move in with my aunt after that.

I know the first few days at any job are kind of all over the place and confusing, but the first few days at CAMH always seem to be extra confusing. During my interview, they had asked me a ton of questions about my skill in patient interaction. I figured that a big part of my job would be interviewing patients (which is something I was really looking forward to). However, after a few days of not knowing what project I was working on, I learned that I was working on a project that hadn’t started recruiting participants yet. It was a multi-site research study implementing evidence-based early psychosis intervention treatment across different sites in Ontario. I enjoyed the underlying meaning of the project, but worried about not getting the patient interaction I desired and believed I needed to get into clinical psychology or medicine.

I was extremely overwhelmed and anxious when I moved to Toronto and started my new job. This is normal for most people, but I felt as though it hit me harder. I wasn’t used to such a big city, and I wasn’t used to feeling so alone. I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to apply to medical school, but decided to throw in an application to three schools: uOttawa, McMaster, and Queen’s. I wanted to have a back up in case I didn’t get into med school, so I also put in an application for the masters of education in counselling psychology program at uOttawa.

At this time I also really longed for my own space, like I had at university. I was grateful to be living with my aunt, but wanted more independence. I spent most of my spare time looking for inexpensive rentals in Toronto (which is not easy by any means). I was hoping I could live with my cousin and her friend, but sadly that fell through. I visited a few places, and was selected to be a roommate at a 2 bedroom plus den apartment on the edge of Liberty Village. I didn’t know my roommates but they seemed nice, and the apartment was affordable. I moved in on October 1^st.

Meanwhile, work was daunting. The project I was on was massive, and not going very smoothly. It turns out that trying to make changes in the mental healthcare system is extraordinarily difficult. Most of my job was administrative work, and I worried about not getting the patient interaction I thought I needed. I was fortunate to have very nice coworkers, but the rest of my job felt like it didn’t fit. I regretted my choices and my mood was down.

Furthermore, I wasn’t used to working 9am-5pm and having evenings to myself. Though I’d always dreamed of having this, I found it quite difficult to adjust to. Losing a bit of weight and getting fit was one of my goals, so I spent some time going to GoodLife. Another one of my goals was making friends and trying to meet people. Unfortunately I didn’t click with my roommates in that way, and most of my coworkers lived all over the city. As a result, I felt lonely and unsure of how to make connections. This led me to relying on Hinge to fill my time, as I chatted with various guys and went on dates. I truly did want a boyfriend and I knew that you had to invest time and energy into getting one. I also genuinely enjoyed meeting new people and chatting with them. However, being rejected was really hard. Though it made me happy, it definitely made my mood more tumultuous.

I wasn’t seeing a therapist at this time, and my mental health wasn’t the greatest. I started becoming concerned that the antidepressant I had been on had caused me to gain weight. I also didn’t like the idea of being on it for the rest of my life. Since I wasn’t in school, I figured I could try reducing my dose (along with supervision from a family doctor). This only made my mood more variable and my mental health overall worse.

By December I wanted to quit, as I felt like I was crumbling. I was trying to be active, but unhappy with my body again. I started a pattern of restricting food during the day, and bingeing on crackers and other foods at night. Some nights I ate food in my sleep, and had little recollection of it in the morning. This made me more mad at myself, and further pushed me to restriction. I was also mad at myself because I figured I should be “over” my eating disorder and able to live a normal life. However, on some level I believed that eating would always be a struggle in my life that I would have to manage.

I figured I could use some more support around eating, so I asked my family doctor how long the waitlist was for services in Toronto. When she told me it was over a year, I felt hopeless. Fortunately, CAMH offered 5 free sessions of therapy for employees, so I took advantage of that. I went to my first appointment at the end of December.

Most of my weekends in Toronto were empty. One weekend I ran my first half marathon, which was an exciting feat. Other than that, I had to go home in order to hang out with friends, or invite friends to my place in Toronto. We did have fun going to the bars and enjoying the nightlife. I was grateful to have some connection to them. When they left, I felt down and despondent again. I didn’t feel like I had a lot of support.

It’s also important to note that during this time I was stressed about the fact that I wasn’t volunteering. Many medical school applications like to see volunteer experience on your application, so I did my best to try to get that. Despite how large Toronto is, this wasn’t easy at all. I reached out to different organizations, but didn’t hear anything back, or knew the location was too out of the way for me.

Despite only working at CAMH for 3 months, I was truly questioning whether I wanted to work in healthcare. From what I’d seen, everything was underfunded, everyone was stressed, and people and families had trouble accessing care. I couldn’t escape these feelings and realities, and this made my mood even worse. I desperately felt like I needed another option, a way out of healthcare. I had thought of doing consulting, but knew it was hard to break into the field of business without any business knowledge. I applied to the 4 month Graduate Diploma in Business program at Queen’s, hoping I could learn different skills and meet new people while I lived in Kingston. I was accepted to the program, and looked forward to going. The only thing I was wary of was the high price tag.

I enjoyed being around my extended family during the holidays that year. I’d organized another trip to Mont Tremblant with friends from home. We spent New Year’s partying and had a lot of fun skiing during the week off. It felt so good to be surrounded by friends and people who cared about me. My mood was boosted a lot and I was grateful to have some time off.

2020 was a new year, and I was looking forward to focusing on improving my mood and taking care of myself. I did a Jack Talk at the University of Toronto which meant a lot to me, as UofT students have been known to struggle with their mental health and accessing mental health services. I applied to be a crisis responder for the Crisis Text Line powered by Kids Help Phone, and got the position. I was seeing a therapist covered by CAMH, and feeling overall a lot better. I had the opportunity to present my poetry at a fundraiser for the National Eating Disorders Information Centre (NEDIC) in Toronto. Being able to share 3 of my poems was empowering and a wonderful experience.

I had the opportunity to ski out west for the first time in February with my friend Greg and his friend Phil. We spent some time in Calgary, then skied in Banff for 3 days. The mountains were breathtaking and the skiing was awesome. I had a fantastic trip, and realized that although Greg was my friend, I still had a crush on him. I’d asked him if he wanted to try dating the summer before, and he didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship. I respected this, and did everything I could to meet other guys and move on. However, after the trip to Tremblant and this trip to Banff, I knew I had to ask him one more time. One last shot. After going home from a party one weekend, I texted him expressing how I felt, and wondering if he was willing to give it a chance. Though he was still hesitant, he agreed to go on a date with me. I was nervous, but very excited.

Our first date was at the Toronto Zoo at their winter lights show. I was nervous but looking forward to spending time with him. It was chilly, but the lights were cool and we had a good time. Afterwards, we went out for drinks and food at a German Bierhalle near my apartment. Following that we went back to my apartment and ironically watched Friends before having our first kiss.

I struggled with what to do during the summer after fourth year. I considered doing a free program in Quebec where I could learn French, and applied to work at Starbucks. Ultimately, I decided to study for the MCAT and volunteer. Seeing fellow students getting into grad programs and professional schools made me feel pretty bad during this time. I beat myself up for not applying to anything and not getting into med school.

I struggled with what to apply to and what to do next. Did I want to do medicine or clinical psychology? That question tumbled over and over in my brain endlessly. I read books to try to see which I leaned more towards. Meanwhile, my own mental health wasn’t great and I struggled to motivate myself to study for the MCAT. I was definitely feeling burnt out. I continued seeing a psychologist to try to sort out my brain. I was proud of graduating, but upset I didn’t do the best in my program. I was upset that others were doing grad school/professional school and I wasn’t. Self criticism consumed me. I didn’t feel as good as I thought I would after graduating. I was grateful to be done with school stress for a bit.

I also had to decide what I was going to do for the next year. Decisions stress me out a lot and I definitely overthink them, so I agonized over this decision too. I was offered a job at CAMH in Toronto in early psychosis research, or I could do volunteer work in anxiety/perinatal anxiety at St. Joseph’s while working a part time job. Part of me wanted to get out of Hamilton and earn some money, so I decided to take the CAMH position.

At the end of the summer, I wrote my MCAT, feeling as though I had failed it. I beat myself up a lot for this too. It’s basically a full day exam and it’s exhausting. They check your ID multiple times to ensure you aren’t cheating. It’s a lot. I later found out that I didn’t do too bad on it, that I meet the minimum requirements to apply to all of the programs I was interested in.

I also became a Jack Talks Speaker for jack.org over the summer. It’s a mental health awareness organization run by youth who are trying to end the stigma around mental health. Jack Talks speakers are trained to give 1 hour presentations about the basics of mental health, how you can take care of yourself, and how you can be there for someone who is struggling. It also enables speakers to talk about personal experiences and share their stories, which I was grateful to have the chance to do.

My last semester was more stressful, as I had to finish my thesis and my thesis poster. I’m not a huge fan of academic writing and it was a lot of academic writing. As per usual, I was scared of not doing well in school. The pharmacology course I took was very hard and stressed me out, and deeply affected my mood. I started seeing a counsellor at school to get some free support.

Over the reading week I had the opportunity to go skiing with my friend Sonya and stay at her chalet in Beaver Valley. It was nice meeting her family and I had a lot of fun, but felt intensely jealous as she had been preparing for medical school interviews. I compared myself to her and felt like a loser.

Despite having a tougher time, I still had a lot of fun. I knew I was going to miss living with my roommates and seeing Brianne everyday. I was happy that undergrad was almost over though. I stressed a lot about my grades and struggled a lot to get to the end. Finding the motivation to study was more challenging.

My final exam was a doozy. It was for a course with a really wack prof. I wrote the exam with accommodations (in a smaller room compared to a giant gym, which is helpful for anxiety), but it was insane. It was all multiple choice, and I’d studied hard, but I felt like I was guessing on at least half the questions. I left that exam feeling scared and defeated, but drinking a celebratory drink to celebrate the last exam of undergrad.

As a final year trip, I organized a trip to Mont Tremblant with my friends. Brianne came, two of my roommates came, along with four friends from home. We had an awesome trip skiing a ton and partying a ton. The conditions were great, and it was the best New Years I’d ever had.

I finished working at CAMH, and went to Hamilton to start being a rep for Welcome Week. I felt so much better when I was doing this. I enjoyed helping the first years and felt supported and included. It boosted my mood so much, and I was grateful to be a Science rep for the last time. Soon school started, and I was eager to be taking four courses instead of five. I also loved living with my new roommates. They were fun, kind and awesome to be around. Just being with them improved my mood. Things turned around very quickly for me. I was able to lower the dose of my medication, and became obsessed with Tinder and Hinge again. I had the opportunity to observe group CBT for insomnia for my thesis, which I thought was extremely cool. I enjoyed my lighter course load and was able to volunteer and be a tour guide. As a shot in the dark I applied to medical school at uOttawa, but knew that otherwise I would want to work after graduating. I felt like I needed a break from academics.

One of my best memories is writing a midterm on a Saturday morning, then driving with my friends to Queen’s to celebrate homecoming. I surprised my sister and got to see Beatrice! I then came home the following day.

Fourth year was one of my best years at university. I was still stressed about school, but less than previously. My mood was a lot better, and I was able to eat better and exercise normally. My body image improved. I had fun going on random dates, and partying with Brianne (she was newly single). I had more confidence and enjoyed life more. I was grateful that my ex-boyfriend was doing his co-op in Ottawa, so I didn’t have to worry about running into him. For the first time in a long time I was truly enjoying life. I’d also made a new friend from being a Science rep. Her name is Sonya, and she also happened to be doing her thesis at St. Joseph’s West 5^th. She was extremely nice and we had classes together, so we immediately clicked.

Once school was over, my mood was still low. Part of me hoped I might be able to get back with Henry, but that wasn’t going to happen. I was going to be going on a trip to Europe with my family before starting my job at CAMH. We were going to visit Amsterdam, Zurich (Switzerland), and Cinque Terre (Italy). Though I was sometimes able to enjoy myself on this trip, depression tagged along. I still felt down and disgusted by my body. I wasn’t able to enjoy it as much as I’d hoped. I still thought it was cool that I got to experience different cultures and a different scenery.

When we returned, my doctor increased my medication. I didn’t want to be reliant on medication, but wasn’t sure what else I should do. I started working at CAMH, where I had to commute 1.5 hours to downtown Toronto to get there and 1.5 hours to get home. I was supposed to move in with my aunt, but didn’t feel psychologically sound to.

Since I knew I was going to be in Toronto, I reached out to the psychologist I had seen in first year. I wanted to work with her again to continue coping with my negative body image and mood. I also obsessively used Tinder, where I matched and hung out with a guy I eventually told I wanted to stop seeing. This was met with him admitting he had severe mental health issues and was quite stressful for me.

I had hoped that I’d magically be happier if I worked at CAMH, but this wasn’t the case. The place where I was working did not match my skillset at all. It was a computational neuroscience lab, and there was little for me to do since I didn’t know anything about coding. I sat there bored a lot of the time, feeling useless and guilty about wasting hospital money. I wanted to quit, but was encouraged to stick it out. I cried a lot in the bathroom and dreamed about working at Starbucks. I was jealous of anyone on the street who was thinner than me, and worked on coping with this with my psychologist. I was terrified of fourth year as third year had been so hard, and I felt lost and directionless. I still wanted to be a clinical psychologist or a doctor, but didn’t believe in my ability to do it and questioned if it was right for me.

I’d decided to move into a different student house. I moved in with three girls I knew from first year along with their two friends. I cried when my mom and I drove past the university a few weeks before fourth year because I was horribly scared.

A few weeks before I had to move back to Hamilton to be a rep for Welcome Week, I hit a wall (emotionally). I was tired of hating my body and believing I was fat, of exercising and trying to eat healthier and feeling like it wasn’t doing anything. I was terrified of fourth year. I just couldn’t take it anymore and didn’t want to exist. I drove myself to the emergency department at my local hospital. I explained my situation, and sat and waited for hours. It was getting late, and I was feeling extremely fed up. I ended up deciding to leave, and went to the psychiatric emergency department at CAMH the following day.

Thankfully I didn’t have to wait long at CAMH (they aren’t very busy in the mornings). They took away all my belongings to lock up, and I chatted with a triage nurse. I explained my situation, and went to sit in the waiting area. I didn’t wait long before I was taken into another room and had the chance to speak with a social worker. I was able to vent about everything going on in my head, and just doing that made me feel better. I also spoke with a psychiatrist. They were kind, caring, and understanding. If I was going to be in Toronto, they could have referred me to services there, but since I was going back to Hamilton they recommended I reach out to my old supports. I also was given the option of being admitted if I didn’t feel safe. Since I felt a bit better, I ended up going home.

Though I was feeling better, second semester was also a battle. I had to pick a thesis supervisor, and again worried about doing well in my courses. I was also hoping to get a research job in mental health in the summer, a very difficult task. My weight was higher than it had ever been, and this made my mood even lower. I ended up getting a clinical psychologist to be my supervisor, doing my thesis on insomnia. I emailed several people inquiring about research jobs for the summer, but most replied saying they didn’t have any available. One clinician-scientist from CAMH emailed me back, and I got a position in his neuroscience lab for the summer. I looked forward to this opportunity (and to have my weekends off in the summer).

Coping with my weight was an intense struggle. I hated my body intensely, but didn’t have time to do anything about it. My roommate Diana spent all her time with her boyfriend, which made me feel isolated. I could also sense that Henry was becoming much more distant from me. I was disgusted by the pictures I saw of myself at a formal that year. Overall, my mood wasn’t great.

I also knew Henry had been acting weird, and made the decision to ask him about it. I knew he was stressed about school and finding a job. However, when we chatted (a week before my first exam) he broke up with me. I wasn’t really expecting this, and my heart shattered. It’s one thing to be broken up with when you’re emotionally okay, it’s another thing to be broken up with when you’re depressed. My world spiralled and I was angry. He knew how much school meant to me, and now I wasn’t sure if I could survive my exams. I blamed myself for being a bad girlfriend, for not being with him enough. I blamed my weight gain. I felt a horrible sense of rejection and loss. I obsessively reflected on our relationship and where I’d gone wrong, and struggled to stop thinking about him. A year before I studied with him all of exam season. Now I was scared to see him in the library.

Needless to say, my anxiety and low mood was off the charts. Brianne was my guardian angel who studied with me and helped me through it. I often started crying when studying, but luckily we were in private study rooms. I also had times when I woke up insanely anxious. One morning my roommate asked me if I had Xanax to calm me down. I felt numb and desolate. I struggled to force myself to study. I watched a lot of New Girl. Again by some miracle, my lowest mark that semester was an A-. Clearly I’m capable of excelling academically even when my brain barely functions emotionally.